Emotional control or self-discipline is being able to manifest the appropriate expression of our emotional state. Our ability to manage our emotional responses is a lifelong skill that can define our character positively or negatively. Unfortunately in today’s society, this skill is often taken for granted in our own lives and the lives of our children.
Anger, frustration and disappointment are a part of life as a child and as an adult. There will always be times when these difficult emotions happen, but how we respond and express ourselves is the key to emotional maturity. When Trevor was a toddler in preschool he was a biter. Whenever he got angry or frustrated, his first response was to bite. As his parents, we were horrified that we had a “biter” in the family. At our preschool, you basically got put on the Black List if you have a biter. So our response as parents was to immediately punish him every time he bit in order to quickly deal with this humiliating situation. In this situation, not only was Trevor not properly responding to his anger, but we did not properly respond to our emotion of fear either. The proper response would have been to for us to explain to Trevor that it is normal to get angry and frustrated sometimes, but it is never ok to express yourself by biting. And then give him some optional ways to constructively get self-control and express himself properly – fold your hands, stop and count to 10, use your words, talk to a teacher, etc… Likewise for us, punishing him without explaining the moral and practical reasons why we don’t bite only treats the outcome (biting) and not the underlying issue – how to appropriately express your emotions. Our initial fear and loss of perspective caused us to “react” rather than take advantage of the opportunity to validate his emotions and teach into the situation.
As parents and spouses, how we handle our emotional expressions is something we need to always be mindful of as we learn from our mistakes and proactively think about them. When Trevor and Alex got older there were certain “buttons” that they would either inadvertently or purposefully push that would send us over the edge – eating like a barn animal at dinner, not putting their clothes away, leaving dirty socks on the couch, repeated misbehavior, etc… We learned that yelling, accusing, blaming, shouting, or giving the silent treatment never resolved any button issues and only frustrated everyone even more. Fortunately, we had our CouchTime tool! CouchTime provided us, during a time of non-conflict, to talk and brainstorm with each other about the appropriate and constructive ways to respond when our buttons were pushed. We then followed up with our boys at dinner (another time of non-conflict) and apologized to them for our inappropriate responses, explained why it happened and what we learned. Not only did this serve to help us grow emotionally, but it allowed us to actually be the example in tangible ways to our boys on how to appropriately handle anger and frustration.
Seeing how we handled anger, frustration and disappointment may seem more obvious. How we handle excitement and anticipation is equally important. Running incessantly around the staircase and screaming (Trevor and Alex) because family or friends are coming to visit is not ok. Tearing through birthday presents without regard to guests is not ok. Getting a bonus or windfall at work and immediately blowing it on a spending spree is not ok. We don’t want to be the buzzkill to joy and happiness, but there are appropriate emotional responses to these situations. Proactively discussing how to handle these situations will go a long way in helping your children and you grow emotionally more mature. So before the guests arrive or the birthday party begins, do some pre-activity encouragement and Role-Playing to help your kids already have some practice with handling their excitement.
Lastly, while managing our emotional responses is a skill that we continue to improve in our lives, it is important to not get legalistic about it. It is impossible to be perfect in controlling our emotional expressions. Everyone has inappropriate responses at times. Your children will mess up, your spouse will yell at you and you will “lose it” in a weak moment, even though you are diligently working on these things. The bigger picture is to have grace, ask forgiveness, learn from the situation and then move on. Remember, the idea is to become characterized by becoming more emotionally mature by developing the skill to appropriately express your emotions.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich