On a recent business trip, Rich encountered a special moment when he noticed an older business couple had brought along their two young granddaughters – maybe 6 and 8 – to help handout company literature at the business reception. Cynically, Rich initially thought “What a despicable and cheap way to use your granddaughters to promote your business interests… Why didn’t I think of that!” But, seriously, as the afternoon and evening wore on, Rich witnessed the true joy, tenderness and love that those little girls shared with their Grandma and Grandpa. The business event was just a manifestation of the relationship that they had developed.
Studies from Oxford University and Boston College prove what Rich had seen on his business trip – The Grandparent and Grandchild relationship can significantly add to the overall well being of the child and grandparent. Even to the point of reducing many behavioral issues. The Boston College report goes a step further:
“We found that an emotionally close grandparent-adult grandchild relationship was associated with fewer symptoms of depression for both generations,” said Sara M. Moorman, an assistant professor in the Department of Sociology and the Institute on Aging at Boston College. “The greater emotional support grandparents and adult grandchildren received from one another, the better their psychological health.”
How often do we examine our emotional health and that of our children, only to discover that we have not tapped into our own parental relationships. For many of us, we have wonderful relationships with our parents and, now, take that relationship for granted. Yet, for others, the talk of your parents brings up painful memories that we would rather avoid or not deal with. Regardless of where your relationship lies, the point is that we may not be tapping into a vital resource that can measurably add to the emotional well being of our children, ourselves, our parents, and grandparents.
The fifth commandment in the bible calls us to “Honor your mother and father.” What that looks like and how you model it for your children grows and evolves as we grow and evolve into adulthood. Be aware that your children will see how you behave toward your parents, in-laws, grandparents and even great grandparents. Therefore, it is important to evaluate and gain a proper perspective before tapping into the well of well-being that can enhance the parental relationships that spans generations.
Perspective
When we consider our relationships with our parents and grandparents, here are some thoughts that might shape your perspective:
- In most cases, your parents, like you, did the best they could given their circumstances. They probably didn’t have any parenting resources to rely upon. Nor did their parents or their parents before them!
- We truly believe that parents/grandparents love their children and don’t intentionally desire to harm their children physically or emotionally. But sometimes, there are deep psychological problems and physiological diseases that parents/grandparents weren’t able to control and cope with, which led to hurt and fractured relationships. If it’s possible to have healthy boundaries, is there a way to repair the relationships?
- Parental/grandparental support is not an entitlement. How often do you expect your parents/grandparents to:
- Give financial help
- Offer free babysitting
- Clean your house
- Buy you a car
- Pay off your college debt
- Offer to pay for dinner, lunches, vacations, etc..
Of course many parents/grandparents offer these things out of love, but it should never be expected. Likewise, parents/grandparents should not feel obligated to offer these things either!
Forgiveness, Mercy & Grace
As you gain and think about the perspective on your relationship with your parents/grandparents, you might need to consider Forgiveness, Mercy and Grace. Although we are not professional counselors, we understand that relationships with parents/grandparents run the full spectrum from wonderful to non-existent. Nevertheless, in the thirteen plus years we have been mentoring young parents, we have seen firsthand how various measures of forgiveness, mercy, grace and understanding, can remove obstacles that hinder the abundant blessing that can only come from the special parent/grandparent relationship.
Forgiveness – Sometimes forgiving can heal wounds big or small. In forgiving, you take control of the relationship by consciously deciding to remove any emotional barriers. Certainly this is easier said than done, but time and intentional effort toward forgiveness always pays off.
Mercy – Do you continually replay situations and circumstances in mind where your parents/grandparents wronged you? Perhaps you just need to move on. Again, armed with the perspective that your parents/grandparents did the best they were able to at the time, you may just need to accept the fact that your parents/grandparents are not perfect. Do you want your children to hold you to that same standard?
Grace – Sometimes we just need to “hug it out” and love our parents/grandparents in spite of all their faults and shortcomings. Sometimes we need to assume the larger leadership role in the relationship and just love them because they are mom and dad – a special role that no one else will EVER have in your lifetime.
Ultimately, you need to decide and come to terms with the idea of “honoring your mother and father” – whether it is out of love or duty. But you do need to determine course of that relationship and show your children what “honor your mother and father” looks like. Just know that the time and effort you put into healthy grandparent and parent relationships can lead to huge benefits. And who knows, maybe one day your grandchildren will go to a business event with you!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich