Have you ever considered the temperaments or taken a temperament test?
Shelly and Trevor are Phlegmatic while Rich and Alex are Choleric. These are the temperaments in our family. Similar to love languages, temperaments are a tool that help us to describe our emotional/personality characteristics. We have found that knowing our own temperament and our boys’ temperaments has been very helpful in our parenting and understanding some of the dynamics in our relationships. We have also found it useful in maximizing our own potential while encouraging our boys to reach theirs.
Temperaments are proto-psychological types and described as God-given inborn traits that influence us on a subconscious level. There are many things that contribute to the formation and complexities of our personalities and we are all a combination, to some degree, of the four temperaments. But, typically each of us has one or two that are dominant within us. The various strengths and weaknesses of our temperament is the underlying reason we experience the world the way we do, why we behave the way we do and tend to repeat those patterns of behavior. The Four Temperaments were realized by the ancient Greek physician and philosopher Hippocrates, who labeled them as: Choleric, Melancholic, Sanguine and Phlegmatic. Do any of these closely describe you, your spouse, your children, or your friends?
Choleric: “Let’s do it my way, and let’s do it now”
Key strengths – passionate, self-confident, natural leader, goal-oriented, ability to take charge, high-producer, desires control.
Key weaknesses – egocentric, impatient, bossy, unwilling to delegate or give credit to others, insensitive, controls by threat of anger.
Emotional needs – sense of obedience, feel appreciated for accomplishments, recognized for ability, needs to be right.
Melancholic: “Let’s do it the right way”
Key strengths – high standards and ideals, goal-setter, organized, analytical, follow-through, sensitive, compassionate, desires things to be done right.
Key weaknesses – moody and easily depressed, spends too much time on preparation, too focused on details, remembers negatives, controls by threat of moods.
Emotional needs -sense of stability, space, sensitivity, needs support.
Sanguine: “Let’s do it the fun way”
Key strengths -bubbly personality, optimistic, charming, makes friends easily, talkative and outgoing, creative, entertaining, desires to have fun.
Key weaknesses – exaggerates, gullible, forgetful, disorganized, people pleasing, naïve, flighty.
Emotional needs – attention, affection, approval, needs acceptance, controls by charm.
Phlegmatic: “Let’s do it the easy way”
Key strengths – balanced, even disposition, pleasing personality, good listener, competent, problem solver, mediator, objective, dry sense of humor.
Key weaknesses – indecisive, hidden stubbornness, indifferent, low enthusiasm and low energy at times, procrastinator.
Emotional needs – sense of respect, feeling of worth, understanding, emotional support, peace, controls by procrastination.
With this information, many people discover why they get along better with some people and feel more comfortable with them – like our spouse and friends for example. For parents, it helps us to understand why we parent the way we do and why we may or may not be connecting with our children. Discovering your temperament can give you helpful insight to yourself, understanding for others, and strengthen your relationships.
Here is short and simple test if you do not already know your temperament:
With our children’s temperaments, it’s important to see what things may be underlying motivators in their behavior. For example, do they tend to exaggerate and tell lies? Do they angrily insist on their own way? Do they easily fall apart emotionally? Do they need more downtime and solitude? Are they stubborn?
Having some clues to what is going on at the root of various behaviors and how they may be pushing your own buttons, can help you to deal more effectively with issues as they come up and maximize your parenting efforts.
Taking temperaments into account leads to better understanding of ourselves and others. It can make a big difference in being more effective, affirming and affirmed in our families and our lives.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
PS – Two resources we really like on this subject and referenced in this letter are: “Wired That Way” by Marita Littauer and “Why You Act The Way You Do” by Tim LaHaye.