As parents we will be faced with having to discuss difficult topics and issues with our children. Whether it’s school violence, a family illness, the loss of a beloved pet or a death in the family, the depth and breadth of such topics can leave parents overwhelmed as to how to navigate these challenging waters.
From our own experience, we’ve found that these tough topics are best addressed in three distinct ways: In the moment, Ongoing dialogue and Proactive conversations. In each of these areas there are several things we focused on that we hope will help you to formulate your approach with your own situation now or in the future.
In the moment
Often difficult situations and circumstances present themselves without warning. Instantly we are thrust into not only having to deal with our own shock and emotions, but also our children’s. How we respond in these moments is important. Here are some things to consider as you approach a tough topic in the moment:
Give yourself space to contemplate your response – Sometimes we will be presented with “news” before our children are made aware of it. Other times, like we experienced here two weeks ago with schools being locked down because of a shooting, they get the news at the same time as us. Either way, it’s important to create some space to check our own emotional state and formulate our response. Sharing a moment of tenderness, grief or prayer with your spouse before talking with your child can provide a needed respite before discussing your joint response.
Formulate your approach and response – As you formulate your approach and response, there are several factors to consider.
- Each child’s developmental age – How you discuss the situation with your 5 year old will be different than your 7 or 12 year old. This may require separate conversations with your children.
- Don’t project your own emotions on your child – As an adult our emotional reaction has much more context than our child’s. As difficult as it may be, it’s important that we don’t overwhelm our children with your own emotions and assume they are feeling the same way. Depending upon your emotional state, you may need to have a spouse, close relative or family friend convey the initial response.
- Allow some time for the information to sink in – It is a natural instinct to try and convey difficult information and then try to quickly “make things better.” Upon hearing tough news, we need to allow our child space to process the information. Then allow their response to guide your next steps – An extended hug, a moment of prayer or reflection, answering their questions with age appropriate answers and reassuring them of your love.
Ongoing dialogue
In the minutes, hours, days and months that follow conveying difficult information to our children, we need to be available to have ongoing dialogue. “Why” and “How” questions begin to emerge as each child processes the information. Again, depending upon their developmental age a short, simple answer may be all that is required. However, with an older child we prefer to begin the dialogue by asking questions:
“Why do you think…”
“How do you think…”
“What have you heard about…”
“How are you feeling about…”
Answers to these types of questions will help guide your response in the conversation. Please keep in mind that this could be several conversations over an extended period of time.
For us, the goal in these conversations was not to solve anything for them. It was about helping each of our children come to place of developmental understanding in their own thinking. As Lis and Dave mentioned in their Protecting Your Child letter, during moments of turbulence, moms and dads are the source of reassurance, knowledge and calm by being present and open to ongoing dialogue.
Proactive conversations
After conveying difficult news with our boys – death of a close family friend and a schoolmate’s suicide for example – these situations provided us an opportunity to proactively have correlated conversations about other challenging topics. Having deeper discussions about God/Faith, drugs/alcohol, depression, bullying, etc… take on more meaning and context in months and years following a difficult circumstance. Don’t let a valuable opportunity pass just because you may not feel comfortable or ready to discuss a topic(s).
The key is to have these proactive conversations during a time of non-conflict. When your child or children have had some time to come to terms and understanding with the difficult situation, that’s when these discussions can be most helpful and effective. Again, developmentally age appropriate talks may not be suitable for everyone at the dinner table. Perhaps the better idea is to go on a hike or out for an ice cream with an older child while a young child has a play date.
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Our hope is that you find this information helpful as you navigate discussing tough topics with your children. The areas we mentioned and the ideas we presented are generalized and should only serve as a basic guide to assist and compliment your efforts. Thankfully there are many additional resources to help as well. We’ve listed a few of those links below.
It is also very important to seek professional assistance if your efforts to navigate specific situations are not helping you or your child. There is no shame in seeking professional help nor is it an indication of your parenting if you can’t achieve the outcome you desire on our own.
Finally, it is our sincerest prayer that you will find the courage and strength to face these situations with confidence when they arise; that you will be provided with wisdom and the proper words to say; that you and your family will grow close, trusting bonds and find comfort in each other!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
Additional Resources:
https://www.apa.org/helpcenter/talking-to-children
https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/explaining-the-news-to-our-kids