When we took our first parenting class, our boys’ behavior was not characterized by First Time Obedience (FTO). In fact it was after the very first parenting class we attended, when we picked up our boys from childcare, that they immediately proceeded to run around in every direction away from us. Our embarrassed calls and pleading for them to come to us were definitely not obeyed.
As parents, during that time, we relied on a variety tricks to get our children to behave and obey us. We would count to three, threaten them with consequences, and/or we would bribe them with snacks, candy or a toy to get them to obey us. But deep down we knew these gimmicks weren’t helping us or our boys. We were focused on conflict avoidance and teaching them to behave to a very low standard – a treat.
Why is obedience so important?
Obedience is fundamental to parenting because it protects our children and helps them to succeed in life. In the toddler years, obeying a “Stop” command may prevent a child from hurting or injuring himself or others. However, as our kids mature, obedience becomes the virtue that leads to self-control and self-regulation. As we’ve mentioned before, studies show that the greatest predictor of success in adult life (more than grades or I.Q.) is one’s ability to demonstrate self-control… and it begins with learning to obey mom and dad.
What’s the trick to getting my child to obey me?
Sorry, there is no trick. It is a process that takes time, patience and consistency. But the reward for that effort is a home environment where children behave out of the love of virtue and not as a fear response to consequences. It becomes an environment where parents transition from leading by their parental authority to their parental influence.
There are four key responses that we need to work towards as we train our children to obey us. Or in other words, what does FTO look like?
- The response must be immediate/first time without question or challenge. Initially this response is for health and safety situations, but in later years this immediate response demonstrates respect and honor.
- The response must be complete. Settling for less than 100% compliance to an instruction or family standard opens the door to many behavioral issues. When they obey partially but not completely, they learn that you don’t really mean what you say. Learning to give proper, age appropriate and reasonable instructions and consistently requiring compliance is so critical.
- The response must be sustained. Sitting and quietly playing at the restaurant until everyone finishes or waiting patiently while running errands not only demonstrates obedience, but also tangibly teaches the skill of self-control.
- The response must be with a proper attitude or heart response. We didn’t expect our children to love and find joy in all of our instruction, but we did require them to respond in a respectful and honoring manner. Stomping off, rolling one’s eyes or making disrespectful comments under one’s breath is never an acceptable response.
At the beginning of this letter, we describe how “out of control” our boys were. They regularly disobeyed us and we felt like we were never going to get them to comply with any of our instructions. Over time we began to consistently implement and expect these four key responses and eventually our boys became characterized by obeying us. It wasn’t easy! We had to endure and persevere through our fair share of “bad days.” But we can honestly say that it was definitely worth the growing pains and effort we invested in the process. As they grew, an older Trevor and Alex obeyed us not because they had to, but because they wanted to out of love, honor and respect.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich