Of all the expressions of unwanted behavior that we encounter during the course of parenting, Whining and Temper Tantrums seem to span all ages. Toddlers and Teens resort to whining when they don’t get their way, just as 3 year olds, 4th graders and high schoolers can all throw temper tantrums when they get frustrated. Unfortunately, you may even notice this behavior in adults as well.

With all the COVID restrictions and spring fever in full swing, there seems to be a heightened level of whining and tantrums in a lot of homes. See if any of these common whining/tantrum phrases seem familiar:

We never get to…
How come I can’t…
Why can’t I stay up to midnight?
Why do have to get up before noon?
You are soooo unfair!
My friends get to ALL THE TIME.
I’m bored.

Then, to escalate the whining or tantrum, physical expressions might be added to the above phrases:

Shouting and/or crying
Eye Rolling or other condescending/disrespectful looks
Door Slamming or throwing of objects

So why do toddlers, children, teens and emerging adults resort to this exasperating form of communication? Because it works and gets a desired result! And, unless this communication no longer produces results, the behavior will continue indefinitely.

When your child or teen doesn’t get their way, they search for any button they can push to pressure mom and dad to “give in.” The four year old will whine or throw a fit in the grocery store for candy at checkout because he knows mom will eventually give in. The thirteen year old will incessantly nag dad about watching a questionable movie with friends until dad’s resolve is beaten down.

For all the various forms of whining and tantrums, there are effective ways to eliminate these unwanted behaviors. Here are just a few tips to consider that we, personally, used successfully with our boys:

No Audience – For the whining or tantrum to work, there has to be an audience. Do you think your child would whine or throw a fit if they were alone and by themselves? For us, that meant taking our boys to their rooms every time whining started or a tantrum began to show itself. They were not permitted to come out until they could calmly, respectfully and properly talk to us. During summer vacations or in public places like restaurants, that sometimes meant we would leave the venue and sit in the car for them to regain composure. And, if that didn’t work, we would go home or to the hotel for “quiet reflective time.”

Talking Points – We taught Trevor and Alex early on that it was ok to be angry, frustrated and upset, but that there is a proper way to express those feelings with respect and self-control. When we took them to their rooms or to the car if we were out, we would tell them to think about how they could use their words to express themselves. The “space” that the room or car provided while they collected their thoughts to speak, also taught them the corollary lesson to think before you speak or act inappropriately.

Consistency of Resolve – Once you and your spouse resolve to eliminate whining and tantrums from your family by not giving them an audience and instructing your child in the proper ways to communicate, you must be steady in your resolve. If mom and dad aren’t on the same page with consistent resolve, the whining and tantrums will not end.

Encouragement as Prevention/Reinforcement – Focus on positive behavior and acknowledge it! Be on the lookout for ways to offer a word of encouragement when their behavior is in line with your family standard. Mom, be sure to tell dad at dinner time how your son was well behaved at the grocery store. Dad, be sure to let your daughter know at bedtime that you appreciated her understanding, even though she was upset at the time, about not seeing that particular movie with friends. During a time of non-conflict, remind all your children that there will be times when they won’t agree with mom and dad, but your decisions have a moral and practical reason behind them. Then be sure to explain the meaningful moral and practical reason why at the appropriate time. When parents are consistent and objective, the child is better able to cope with a “no” answer, than when mom and dad’s decisions are wishy-washy or subject to the mood that day.

In our home, the season of whining and tantrums was very short lived and ended while Trevor and Alex were still young. We applied these tips and refused, as a couple, to ever tolerate these forms of communication in our family. We know it can be a challenging issue to work through, especially during the trying times we’ve experienced this past year.  But if you are determined, you too can eliminate whining and tantrums from your home!

Blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich