About a year ago, we were invited to be a part of a parenting program where we would record video segments and offer parenting advice to young parents – much like these Tuesday Letters.  After a couple months of recording and producing a couple video segments, we submitted them for upload on their website and mobile app.  To our stunned surprise, our initial video discussing toddler obedience, was rejected by their content committee and we were told that:

“…while we respect different parenting approaches and understand that your approach lands well with some parents, we feel that it is not the right fit for our audience (approximately 5 million subscribers).  … (training) childhood obedience would be controversial, simply because our audience is increasingly leaning towards parenting approaches that avoid teaching children to obey.”

What?!?!

How does this make any sense?  Do we not want our children to obey our instructions, their teachers and those in authority?

Why is obedience so important?

Obedience is fundamental to parenting because it protects our children and helps them to succeed in life.  In the toddler years, obeying a “Stop” command may prevent a child from hurting or injuring himself or others.  If your child is playing and their ball goes into the street while a car is coming down the road, we would hope that your child would obey your “STOP” instruction… or stay buckled in their seat, avoid touching a hot stove, etc…

As our kids mature, obedience becomes the virtue that leads them to self-control and self-regulation.  As we’ve mentioned before, many studies (decades of secular research) show that the greatest predictor of success in adult life (more than grades, personality or I.Q.) is one’s ability to demonstrate self-control… and it begins with learning to obey mom and dad.

“Understanding is the reward of obedience. Obedience is the key to every door.”

George MacDonald

So what’s the trick to getting my child to obey me?

Sorry, there is no trick.  It is a process that takes time, patience and loving consistency.  But the reward for that effort is a home environment where children behave out of the love of virtue and not as a fear response to consequences.  It becomes an environment where parents eventually transition from leading by their parental authority to their parental influence.

There are four key responses that we need to work towards as we train our children to obey us.  Or in other words, what does First Time Obedience (FTO) look like?

  1. The response must be immediate/first time without question or challenge.  Initially this response is for health and safety situations, but in later years this immediate response demonstrates respect and honor.
  2. The response must be complete.  Settling for less than 100% compliance to an instruction or family standard opens the door to many behavioral issues. When they obey partially but not completely, they learn that you don’t really mean what you say. Learning to give proper, age appropriate and reasonable instructions and consistently requiring compliance is so critical.
  3. The response must be sustained.  Sitting and quietly drawing/coloring at the restaurant until everyone finishes or waiting patiently while running errands not only demonstrates obedience, but also tangibly teaches the skill of self-control.
  4. The response must be with a proper attitude or heart response.  We didn’t expect our children to love and find joy in all of our instruction, but we did teach them how to respond in a respectful and honoring manner.  Stomping off, rolling one’s eyes or making disrespectful comments under one’s breath is never an acceptable response.

“The ship that will not obey the helm will have to obey the rocks.”

English Proverb

When we took our first parenting class, our boys’ behavior was definitely not characterized by First Time Obedience (FTO).  They regularly disobeyed us and we felt like we were never going to get them to comply with any of our instructions.  Over time we began to consistently implement and expect these four key responses and eventually our boys became characterized by obeying us.  It wasn’t easy!  But we can honestly say that it was worth the growing pains and effort we invested in the process to teach them to obey.  As they grew older, Trevor and Alex obeyed us not because they had to, but because they wanted to out of love, honor and respect.  This intentional obedience developed into greater self control /self regulation in the teen years and their success, now, as young adults.

Blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich

________________________________________

Parenting Toddlerhood Transitions

Sign up today!  Online Class Starts April 19th!

5 online sessions – Wednesdays, 8-9pm MT (7pm PT, 9pm CT), Starting 4/19

Parenting Toddlerhood Transitions (18 months to about 4/5 years of age) provides practical and relevant concepts that parents can apply right away – structure/routine, toddler conflict, giving proper instruction, encouragement and correction.  Understanding the Toddlerhood Transition and having an intentional parenting strategy can put you on the right path in your parenting journey!

More information & registration at: https://Toddler-spring23.eventbrite.com