Life is busy.  With school, kids sports and activities, our daily life can easily be characterized as hectic and overwhelming.  Picking up Chic-fil-a on the way from practice can easily become the norm, rather than the exception, for getting everyone in the family fed.  However, we discovered that sitting around the table together at meals can actually make a significant impact on your family.

Current research shows that having a shared Family Mealtime has huge benefits for marriages and families.  A Cornell University study reported that families who share meals together, at least 3 meals per week, will:

  • Have improved psychological well-being
  • Increase academic achievement
  • Establish healthy communication
  • Significantly decrease the risk for eating disorders or becoming overweight
  • Create “space/margin” from a hectic day
  • Build healthy relationships among all family members
  • Develop feelings of closeness and comfort

When we took a step back and looked at our mealtime habits, we discovered we were accommodating the hecticness of our lives and not our “familiness.”  All this changed when we intentionally decided to be characterized by having a shared family mealtimes.

Here are some ideas to help you to either get started or rejuvenate your own family mealtimes.

  • Establish a welcoming environment – At the recent Gowing Families Life Parenting Conference we hosted, Gayle Bucknam LPC shared that many of the patients she sees are missing a place to “Belong” and that the family table provides a place to connect and belong to something meaningful. Make it a time of non-conflict so that everyone feels comfortable sharing their thoughts, ideas and feelings.  What does it mean to be a good and/or active listener?  Do Mom and Dad need to guard their tongue and tone, especially after a hard or challenging day? Another recent study from CASA at Columbia University reported that 71% of teens said talking and catching up with family at meals was the best part of their day. They felt more connected with their parents and confident in sharing their thoughts.
  • Establish realistic expectations – Shoot for consistency not perfection.  Perfection will NEVER happen.  Maybe start with 2 shared mealtimes (even snack times) a week with the goal of having 5 shared dinners and maybe a couple of lunches and breakfasts.  Know that every mealtime will not always go as planned.  Maybe your 2 year old decides that today is the day they will launch all their food everywhere.  Or your teenager decides that their teacher is “terrible” and will, therefore, not talk at dinner because their weekend has been ruined.  All of that is fine (of course you are working on those issues) and bad days and bad mealtimes will happen.  Just remember to move on and know that if you are consistent, the good mealtime experiences will become more frequent.
  • Establish family mealtime boundaries – No toys, games, cell phones at the table.  No interrupting or speaking over someone.  No talking with your mouth full.  Choose to express yourself with life giving words.  Choose to gain understanding before commenting or expressing an opinion.
  • Make it fun – Discuss your favorite family traditions and establish some new ones or talk about and plan a family trip.  Below shows our Dinner Conversations Cards.  We take turns randomly selecting a card for discussion. Some cards have bible verses we discuss, some have quotes similar to our OneFamily daily email quotes we discuss, and some have thought provoking questions to answer.  For Example, Name each family member’s best quality. Who would you like to have dinner with and why?  Who’s your favorite fictional character and why?

Family Conversation Cards

https://onefamilyhwl.org/product/family-conversation-cards/

  • Watch out for traps and buzzkills – Mini lectures and sermons can be appropriate for certain mealtimes, but they need to be rarely given (see #4 above!).  When the audience is captive, it can be a huge temptation to go off on a soliloquy or monologue.  Just be aware that the “brilliant wisdom” you are about to share could be a major buzzkill to the mealtime mood and fall on deaf ears as a result. Try drawing your kids into conversation by asking what they think about something rather than always telling them what you think.

As we have mentioned in previous letters, our family mealtime was instrumental in dealing with many things:  behavioral issues, seeking forgiveness from a wronged family member, practicing proper mealtime manners and how to communicate appropriately.  We’ve also had many meaningful and candid discussions about sex, drugs, peer pressure, politics, theology and relationship dynamics.  Intentionally deciding to have Family Mealtimes in the midst of a hectic life allowed us to all grow individually and together in the process, thus creating the home environment we desired!

Blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich

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