We had a bit of conflict early in our marriage over money. One year, we didn’t buy a $3 string of Christmas lights because it was deemed extravagant. Another year, we hadn’t set aside any money for taxes. Ooops. In our early years tax season was this Herculean chore of cleaning out the stables of the year’s economic filth because we were so disorganized. There is so much to do in order to build a life and – have kids – eat – own a house – with a yard – own a car – or two – have clean clothes – be in shape – eat – have more kids – eat. You get the idea. It takes an enormous amount of energy to have the life that your parents had, your friends have, society is telling you to have, and you want to have. You want a relationship where you can divide and conquer in harmony to make a lighter load out of the unending figurative and literal laundry list of things that need mending and attending. Learning how to manage money is a key factor in a healthy marriage.
There is a quality to sharing the load. It’s a skill that you develop over time as you fight the everyday battles. There is a difference, however, between being more efficient and being more effective. Efficient means using less resources to achieve the same result. Effective means achieving the results in a better way. This distinction is a difference-maker in a relationship that can mean the difference between being roommates and being teammates.
In our marriage, income came mostly from Dave’s work. Lis had her own Graphic Design business during the early years, but as our life evolved her work became unnecessary and somewhat burdensome. Lis’ primary job then was on the front lines of the home where she was a Four-Star General directing the battle plans for the day. When Dave came home, he wasn’t the conquering King returning to his castle, as his Dad used to declare. Rather, Dave wanted to be the returning hero appreciated for the day’s sacrifice, yet ready to assume second in command.
When it came to managing the household finances, there was a need to develop a functioning balance between the two roles. Dave had an intuitive understanding of money and finance. Lis had an intuitive understanding of the bills and economic demands. What became clear early on was Dave couldn’t come home and work on the bills, questioning and “judging” where the money went, and have both Lis and Dave walk away feeling good about the process. “You spent $86 on this?” could never come out sweet enough. The unspoken idea that the money Dave earned was Dave’s to decide what was appropriate just wasn’t healthy in a marriage. Importantly, Lis needed to develop confidence that her judgment in spending for the good of the family was being supported. So no matter how efficiently Lis might prepare the finances for Dave’s review, the loss of effectiveness in the marriage was obvious. The negative energy the process generated eventually could hurt the family’s growth.
So we developed a different plan. Lis paid the bills receiving a salary for the household. In the early years, it was pretty lean. It was Lis’ job to decide how to stay within a tight budget and Dave answered to Lis. As we progressed, there was finally more money than month, so Dave got to manage the savings and investments. Whatever Lis decided was in the family’s best interest when it came time to decide between the $0.48 can of soup or the $0.32 can – that was it. Dave supported her decisions because he saw her with the coupons and foregoing frivolous treats. The one condition they agreed on – no debt. Neither could buy anything on credit card that couldn’t be paid off the next month. If Dave needed cash, he asked Lis to provide it. Dave didn’t have a checkbook. This method gave Lis the autonomy she preferred, eliminated judgment at the end of every month, kept the books in order, and was the most efficient AND effective division of labor for the family. Trust factored in to the arrangement because neither party could hide spending from the other if you couldn’t use credit cards. Many discussions about family priorities and power dynamics were resolved during couch time.
Managing money requires daily decisions on what, when, and how much to spend. The quality of food, the luxury of a new couch, or luxuriating of a daily Starbucks, and on and on, are decisions that define the economic trajectory of a family. A couple can waste massive time, energy and goodwill that should be employed elsewhere. Power struggles must be resolved. For our relationship, we moved past this money conflict era by developing roles which were efficient and ultimately very effective for our family cohesion.
To your family’s well-being,
Lis and Dave