Over the years we have taken many courses and attended several conferences on marriage, parenting, and relationships. We love going to these events because we always come away with some new ideas and tips, as well as reminders on things we’ve let slide or have forgotten about over the years. However, it seems that no matter how excited or recharged we get from these events, we’ve found that after a few months go by, our schedules get nuts, commitments come up that occupy more time and our once virtuous intentions seem to go by the wayside. As a result, we would become frustrated and discouraged. To make matters worse, as parenting leaders and mentors, we felt like hypocrites because we could not sustain the level of commitment we desired in being the best example for those that attended our classes!
Thankfully, there is one concept that we’ve come to learn that has really resonated with us and ended the cycle of discouragement and frustration that came from our unmet expectations. It is the simple principle that focuses on being Defined and Characterized by our behavior and attitudes versus being Perfect. None of us are perfect, but we can easily be defined and characterized by being committed and consistent with our intentions. We have applied this principle to virtually everything in our lives whether it is diet/exercise, a morning quiet time routine, homework with Trevor and Alex, improving our relationships and even New Year’s resolutions.
For the Howards, being characterized by our virtuous intentions is more important than trying to meet the unrealistic expectation of attempting to do anything perfectly. Here are a few general examples of what this looks like for our family:
Be characterized by having a healthy and loving Marriage – We have our arguments, disagreements and challenges in our marriage. Yet, we are characterized by doing many things that outweigh the bumps, pitfalls, and frustrations that happen in all marriages. We consistently have date night, Couchtime, attend conferences and classes together, serve together in church and our community, and this list goes on. We may not do all of these things every day, every month or even every year, but we are characterized by doing these things to enhance and grow in our marriage.
Be characterized as good and loving Parents – Trevor and Alex are not perfect little angels; never misbehaving and always responding to all of our requests with perfect attentiveness and charming attitudes. Does that mean we are terrible parents? Of course not. Our parenting is characterized by being committed to the training/coaching of our boys through the rough seasons and encouraging them in seasons of harmony. This means if we have a difficult day at work, we won’t necessarily worry about resolving a problem with one of the kids that night. However, we will pick up either the next day or on the weekend to address any parenting issue. This helps us avoid exasperating our children with unrealistic expectations as we know that kids have bad days too.
Be characterized as reaching your personal potential – This is a big deal for everyone in our family and something we have always talked about at dinner, in the car, on vacation, and whenever the time seems appropriate. Putting forth your honest and best effort in all things – work, school, church, athletics, household chores, relationships – has become our family standard. Trevor and Alex don’t have to get straight A’s on their report cards, but they do need to be characterized by putting forth their best effort (time and focused energy) as if they were getting an A. Shelly doesn’t have to be perfect in all of her roles but she does strive to consistently put forth the effort to be caring, loving, and available regarding her relationships and commitments. Rich doesn’t have to be the perfect family leader, but he is characterized by being the best example of what he and Shelly desire for their family.
In these broad examples, we hope that you also picked up on another key element to this principle. Life is a process, a journey and an adventure with a variety of seasons. You get multiple do-overs and opportunities to grow. Therefore, our desire is to be defined by how we are characterized in the process rather than perfect in a finite moment. Over the course of our lives, we are going to have ups and downs, but we can be defined and characterized by being who we long to be. By applying the Un-Perfect Principle to our lives, we have freed ourselves and our boys of many hours of worry, anxiety, frustration and disappointment that comes from trying to be perfect.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich