As we have both grown and matured since getting married right out of college, there is one skill we have learned to develop that has been significant in all of our relationships.  Whether it is with our marriage, our children, our family and friends, or everyday relationships at work or in our community, learning the skill of discernment has become a game changer in our lives.

Discernment is the ability to gain understanding in order to evaluate or apply insight to a situation appropriately.  For us, gaining understanding by looking for context was the key element that continues to help us develop and learn the skill of discernment to this day.

Shelly’s natural temperament is reserved, laid back and thoughtful, whereas Rich is spontaneous and very decisive. This is why we are each other’s suitable helper; complementing each other’s temperament and finding balance in our ability to discern situations and circumstances.  When we first got married, Shelly was overly accommodating to Rich’s whims and rushes to judgement.  We were on the opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to discernment.  Then, once we had kids, Rich’s parenting style was more legalistic (black and white) while Shelly overcompensated by being too permissive as we mentioned in our Are You Overcompensating letter.  Again, we found ourselves on the opposite ends of the discernment spectrum.

Thankfully, and at times painful to the ego, experience became a great teacher.  As we grow in our experiences, positive and negative, our ability to develop the skill to discern usually grows stronger; providing us with greater insight that turns our discernment skill towards the higher virtue of wisdom.  The key is being open to discernment and open to gaining understanding through context.

To further illustrate what we mean, here are some scenarios where applying discernment with context would be wise:

 

Rush to quick Judgment Scenarios

A friend doesn’t return a borrowed item right away

Your parents forget a birthday

Your spouse makes a significant purchase without consulting you

Your children do something completely against your instructions

 

Rush to overly Acquiesce Scenarios

A friend refuses to silence their phone at a lunch date

Your sibling only communicates when there is a problem; never out of friendship (see SBFF letter)

Your spouse never helps out with household responsibilities

Your children repeatedly misbehave in public situations

We have learned, when faced with similar situations, that gaining understanding with context, helped us discern the situation leading to more appropriate responses and successful results.  There are many ways to evaluate context, but here are some filters we’ve used to gain understanding in order to hone our discernment before rushing to judgement or quickly acquiescing to something.

  • Frequency/Characterization – Is this a typical representation of a person/event or a one time/infrequent occurrence?
  • Unknown factors/variables – Are you aware of the bigger picture; do you have complete understanding of the person or occurrence?
  • Tone/Attitude – Be certain to combine the two previous filters to gain greater understanding of this emotional filter (see Mr. Fixit).
  • Culture – Be careful to not assume that your own cultural nuances are fundamental to every situation or person.

Discernment is a powerful skill that we all need to develop.  It is refined by considering context and applying it in our varied experiences.  Ultimately, by developing the skill of discernment, it will help us to become the wise parent, the understanding spouse, your family’s confidant, a considerate friend, the go-to employee/co-worker and a trusted advisor to all.

 

Blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich