In our Overcompensating letter, we mentioned that CouchTime was one of the most impactful tools we had implemented from the Parenting from the Tree of Life class (formerly Growing Kids God’s Way). Since mentioning it earlier this year, we have had many parents ask us to provide more insight regarding CouchTime. So we thought it might be helpful to provide a little more detail regarding the why, when, where, and how of CouchTime.
Why
The Benefits of CouchTime for us were numerous. It got us on the same page with our parenting and provided a forum for us to discuss not only parenting issues, but also topics relating to our marriage and home life. Taking it a step further, CouchTime also got our boys sleeping through the night when they were younger and eliminated several behavior problems as they got older.
Seeing mom and dad engaged in meaningful conversation eases any underlying insecurity they might have regarding the marriage relationship. It’s just another tangible way for them to see that we love each other. Once we were consistent with CouchTime our 4 and 6 year old boys started sleeping through the night. No more coming into our room at 12:30, 2:45 and 4:00! However, if we stopped doing CouchTime consistently, they boys went right back to getting up in the middle of the night and also sleepwalking.
The same thing held true with their misbehavior even as Trevor and Alex got older. If we were consistent with our CouchTime, there was a significant drop off in their bad behavior. We noticed that the security they derived from our relationship was directly related to their behavior. They needed to know that mom and dad loved each other and CouchTime demonstrated that to them.
When
Finding a time of non-conflict to communicate with your spouse is critical to effective and productive CouchTime. If you are mentally preoccupied with thoughts of work, emails, phone calls, etc., you will not be fully engaged. Your spouse will pick up on that as well as your kids. That’s why committing to finding 10 to 15 minutes is so important. For us, it has always been right after dinner. This allowed us time to unwind from the day and gather our thoughts before we chatted and began our evening activities. For other families we know, their time of non-conflict was before dinner or in the morning before breakfast. And for others, after bath time or just before bed.
Where
CouchTime doesn’t necessarily have to be on the couch. But most families have a comfortable couch in their family room and that helps to create a relaxed environment to visit with your spouse. Over the years, we have also had CouchTime in our den/study and at the kitchen table keeping in mind that we were fully engaged with one another (not on the computer or cleaning up) and our boys could see us talking.
How
If you have young children or even babies, getting them used to CouchTime can be a challenge. They typically want to crash and be a part of mom and dad’s communication party! They will interrupt and get fussy to get your attention focused on them again. That’s why it’s important to explain to them (several times) why you are having CouchTime; telling them that because we love you so much, mom and dad need a few minutes to talk because we love each other very much too!
Actually using the term “CouchTime” and announcing that we were having it helped us a lot as we started out. But there are some other things you can do as well. Plan a designated activity for the children to do while they watch you communicating. Maybe they have some special toys reserved to play with while you talk. You can also set a timer so they can see how much time is left. You may have to start off with only 5 minutes and work up to 15 minutes, which is what we did initially. Keep in mind, however, that ultimately you want your children to obey you and provide you the uninterrupted space for you to have your quality CouchTime.
Here are some parameters we used early on for CouchTime and how they evolved as our boys got older:
15 minute time limit. This forced us to plan out our discussion topic(s) ahead of time. Sometimes we might go past a few minutes or finish early. Once the boys got into elementary school, we had no time limit. We had CouchTime in the family room, while they did homework at the kitchen table.
3-4 times minimum per week. Consistency is so import and we felt that we could easily commit to having CouchTime at least 3-4 times a week (Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday). Today, because it has become a valuable habit for us, we might have CouchTime every day or even twice in one day.
Don’t skip CouchTime due to travel. Rich travels a lot for work, so we would have a designated time when the boys where awake for “Phone CouchTime.” We would talk first and then Rich would talk with the boys. Today, we can Facetime or Skype.
Don’t give up! It was challenging getting started. It was challenging to stay consistent with busy schedules, vacations, in-laws visiting, etc., but we never gave up because the benefits were so huge. Our marriage prospered to a new level, our boys derived security, and it created a healthy home environment.
There are so many benefits to CouchTime and we only touched on a few that immediately affected us. But it is important to note that CouchTime also concretely demonstrates to your children what proper communication looks like and that our Marriage relationship is the priority relationship in our home. Child-centered parenting has become so popular in today’s society and we are made to feel like terrible parents if we don’t spend every waking minute focusing on our children. Unfortunately, the real cost of this approach is creating self-centered/entitled children and destroying marriages. Please remember that you and your spouse were a family before your little blessings came along and your relationship needs to remain the first priority. So give your children the gift and security that comes from a healthy marriage. Give your family the gift of CouchTime!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0B-mnkHUgpDuNTHJCdUtKWlhKWUU&usp=sharing_eid