Last week, in Part One, we explored the first four principles from The Father’s Mandate from Growing Kids God’s Way, a teaching that has had a profound impact on our marriage and family.
We discussed how fathers can build connection and trust by:
- Cultivating a strong family identity
- Regularly demonstrating love to their wife
- Respecting their child’s private world
- Giving their children the freedom to fail
This week, we’ll wrap up the remaining four practices and share a ninth principle that became an important part of our parenting journey.
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- Be the Encourager of the Family
Encouragement is much more than offering kind words. True encouragement is tangible; it is something children can hear, see, and experience.
One of the most effective ways Rich encouraged Trevor and Alex was through handwritten notes. When the boys were young and unable to read, Rich would draw simple pictures and leave them on the kitchen table before leaving for work or a business trip. The boys would discover them at breakfast and know Dad was thinking about them.
As they grew older, those drawings became notes tucked into backpacks, lunch boxes, and left under pillows. Rich used these opportunities to remind the boys of his love and their value, character, and potential.
When each boy turned thirteen, Rich wrote a special letter marking the beginning of his teenage years—a tradition we described in our Year of Discovery letter. Those letters became meaningful milestones that communicated, “I see you, I believe in you, and I’m honored to be your dad.”
Children thrive when they know their father notices them, believes in them, and speaks life into them.
- Guard His Tongue and Tone
Few things can build trust—or damage it—as quickly as a father’s words and tone.
Children often rush to share exciting news, accomplishments, ideas, or stories with Dad. In those moments, Dad’s response can either affirm their joy or unintentionally diminish it.
For Rich, guarding his tongue and tone was one of the more challenging practices, especially after a long day at work or returning home from a business trip. This is where Shelly’s guidance and encouragement were invaluable. She would often give Rich a quick “heads up” about what the boys were excited to share before he walked through the door.
That simple preparation helped him be intentional about matching their enthusiasm rather than responding with distraction, fatigue, or criticism.
When children see Dad celebrate what matters to them, they feel valued. Over time, those moments become building blocks of trust and connection.
- A Father Must Routinely Embrace His Children
Physical affection communicates love, acceptance, and security in powerful ways.
As children grow older, a hug, a kiss on the forehead, a hand on the shoulder, or a quick back rub can communicate, “You are loved, and you are safe with me.”
Rich quickly learned that public displays of affection became increasingly “uncool” as the boys got older. However, that didn’t mean they no longer desired physical connection with Dad. It simply meant he needed to respect their growing independence and find age-appropriate ways to stay connected.
In public, high-fives, fist bumps, and quick “bro hugs” became the norm. At home, however, Rich continued to make physical affection a regular part of his relationship with the boys through goodnight hugs, kisses, and back rubs.
Although we only have sons, we also want to encourage fathers of daughters. As girls enter adolescence, dads may feel uncertain about what is appropriate physical affection. While a daughter may be physically becoming a young woman, she is still a little girl on the inside who needs the security, affirmation, and loving embrace of her father.
- Build Trust in God’s Word
One of a father’s most important responsibilities is spiritual leadership.
That doesn’t mean Dad needs to become a pastor, theologian, or the next Billy Graham. It simply means that he intentionally demonstrates that faith matters and that God’s Word is relevant to everyday life.
Children learn what is important by observing what is important to their parents.
For our family, that meant making spiritual growth a natural part of family life. Rich intentionally incorporated prayer, Scripture memory, church attendance, and meaningful conversations about faith into our family culture.
Research repeatedly shows that when a father is actively engaged in his faith and church life, his children are significantly more likely to remain engaged in their faith. While statistics vary, the principle remains true: a father’s spiritual example carries tremendous influence.
When children see Dad seeking God, praying, serving, and relying on Scripture, they learn that faith is not merely something we talk about—it is something we live.
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A Ninth Mandate We Added
As we sought to implement these eight principles, we discovered a common thread running through all of them. It became our unofficial ninth mandate/practice:
- What Is Important to Dad Becomes Important to the Children
This does not mean that Mom’s influence is less important. Rather, it recognizes the unique leadership role fathers play in reinforcing family values and priorities.
Ironically, we first discovered this principle through something as simple as picking up after ourselves.
For years, Shelly encouraged the boys to clean up their belongings. One day, she lovingly pointed out that Rich often came home from work and left his “stuff” lying around the house, which was counter to her efforts. That realization was definitely humbling and embarrassing.
Not surprisingly, once he began consistently picking up after himself and explained why it mattered, the boys quickly followed suit.
Children are remarkably observant. They pay far more attention to what we do than what we say.
While this example serves as a lighthearted example, there are many more significant examples you might consider as well:
- Do the children speak respectfully to Mom? Does Dad consistently model respect toward his wife and communicate that honoring Mom matters?
- Is Mom the only one involved in schoolwork? Does Dad demonstrate the importance of education by helping with homework, attending conferences, and celebrating academic growth?
- Does Dad prioritize church, service, gratitude, kindness, and character? If so, children are much more likely to see those things as valuable as well.
The lesson is simple: if Dad consistently demonstrates that something matters, children are more likely to believe it matters too.
The ultimate goal of these practices is not perfection—it is relationship.
The reward of purposeful fatherhood is a strong, trusting connection with your children.
Trying to implement all of these ideas and practices all at once can feel overwhelming. Rich certainly didn’t master them overnight. With Shelly’s encouragement, support, and plenty of “Couchtime” conversations, he focused on practicing one or two ideas at a time and gradually built new habits.
As a practical help, Rich would actually schedule reminders for many of these practices on his work calendar. It helps him remain intentional and focused on becoming the husband and father he desires to be.
Purposeful fatherhood is not about getting everything right. It is about consistently showing up, being intentional, and building a relationship of trust that will last a lifetime.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
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New Online Classes Starting In August!
Visit our Events Page for more information and Early Bird Discount Pricing!
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This summer, we’ve been invited to speak at several Homeschooling Conferences:
July 10-11 – California Parenting & Homeschool Convention – Downey, CA
July 17-18 – Arizona Home Education Convention – Pheonix, AZ
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