Whether it’s preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, middle school, high school or college, May is a big graduation month. It marks the ending and the beginning of a new season of life. This can be an exciting, emotional, daunting, and joyous time for the graduates and the parents! With our first baby boy, Trevor, graduating from High School this week (pictured above), we are reminded of what a significant milestone each graduation has been for him and us.
With each graduation, the significance of the transition increases and builds upon the next season. And the cliché, “they grow up so fast” becomes an annoying reality. We can still remember the excitement of preschool and kindergarten and the pride our boys had as they took the next steps toward becoming “Big Boys”. Then graduating from elementary to middle school became a rite of passage as the boys also transitioned to the teen years where homework and friends become more significant. As Trevor and Alex transitioned from middle school to high school, it didn’t seem like a big deal to them. But for us, as Mom and Dad, it signaled to us that there were only four more years left in our current family dynamic and season.
In retrospect, we can now see more clearly how the various graduation seasons affected our boys and us as parents. Generally speaking, school is basically your child’s full time job growing up. Aside from gaining all the practical knowledge that comes from the various subjects they studied, they also learned critical life lessons along the way. As parents, we often perceive that our child’s school career is a direct correlation and reflection on either our parenting superiority or failure. As much as we try to be calm, there is no emotional middle ground when it comes to our precious child’s school performance! With that in mind, here is a brief tongue-in-cheek look at what these seasons looked like for the Howard Family:
PRESCHOOL
Trevor & Alex – During the preschool years they learned about sharing, being quiet at the appropriate time and not bothering your neighbor (basic moral civilities). They also began to receive 3rd party (via teachers) consequences for their behavior. “Did you get a green (good), Yellow (minor issues) or a Red (Yikes!) today?” If they had a Red, then more often than not, they had to sit by themselves during an activity as a consequence for their behavior. And the worst part, they had to tell Mom & Dad about it.
Rich & Shelly – We were obsessed with Red, Yellow and Green! Even though the boys were characterized by mostly Greens, the occasional Yellow or Red notice would send us over the edge! Where did we go wrong? Of course, there would be a complete analysis of the behaviors, a lecture and an apology to make sure that never, ever, ever, happened again!
Insight & Lesson: Yes, behavior needs to be in check, don’t lose sight of the fact that they are barely out of the toddler years and they are exploring this new experience and its boundaries. Your child’s academic career and success is not irrevocably set in stone because they were fooling around during story time (a common Howard boy occurrence). Our best advice? Breath and relax! Consider the context of their age and don’t overreact to the occasional yellow or red notice.
KINDERGARTEN
Trevor & Alex – The boys were on their way to becoming proficient in basic reading, writing and math. Socially, they were exposed to more children and quickly learned that other children don’t necessarily behave like we do in the Howard Family.
Rich & Shelly – When we were in Kindergarten, back in the day, we were still drooling and playing with wooden blocks! Therefore, our boys must be geniuses because they are so far advanced from when we were at that age! Alex’s crayon art was so sublime and irreverent! While Trevor had the uncanny ability to add and subtract up to 30! Are you kidding me?!?! Brilliant!
Insight & Lesson: Your children are not geniuses. Bright and talented perhaps, but there is still a lot of runway left before they take off to Harvard and Oxford! Our best advice? Be thankful and grateful for those kindergarten teachers who make the next step in their learning fun and exciting!
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Trevor & Alex – School became a real job! They were living for recess and the weekend! Some of the subjects and topics in school became boring. To make matters worse, some of the teachers didn’t know what they were talking about! AND they had to do some additional work outside of class called homework which affected their lifestyles.
Rich & Shelly – Keeping Trevor and Alex motivated, after the novelty of “going to school” wore off, became job number one for us! This is when we needed to step it up for their teachers and become active participants in their education… even when we were tired or had bad days ourselves.
Insight & Lesson: Being intentional and engaged in your child’s school activities and schoolwork is a difference-maker. It’s a tangible way for them to see how mom and dad value education and respect for their teacher. The bonus reinforcement happened when letter grades came into play. There are so many opportunities in this season, please don’t take them for granted or let them pass! Our best advice? Get to know your child’s teacher, but don’t drive them crazy by constantly texting/emailing/calling them. Go to parent/teacher conferences and seek their insights and approach your child’s education as a team.
MIDDLE SCHOOL
Trevor & Alex – These were the “Caveman” years as they also entered puberty. “How was school today Trev?” “Grunt-Ugh” “Alex, how do like your science class?” “Me no likey science! When me get iPhone?” Schoolwork became a grind as the more social aspects of their “community” took priority whether it was girlfriends, hanging out with buddies or activities.
Rich & Shelly – Where did our precious little boys go?!?! Who are these men/boys? Will they ever come back to us…especially after we have the detailed “sex talk” and completely creep them out?
Insight & Lesson: Yes, they do come back! Even after they accept the fact that mom and dad have sex and we talked about masturbation. It’s important to realize that, on top of schoolwork, they are dealing with active hormones – the good, the bad and the ugly! They need to have the space to adjust while knowing that nothing has, or ever will, change with mom and dad. Our best advice? You have built a strong relational foundation with your child, so go with the flow and be flexible. Stay engaged and intentional, but a little extra measure of mercy and grace can go a long way in building confidence and trust with your teen. Also, don’t have the one and only monumental “Sex Talk”! Make it an ongoing conversation as we explained in our Planting Seeds letter.
HIGH SCHOOL
Trevor & Alex – There is light at the end of the tunnel! College is on the horizon! Classes become more interesting once again. Sports, activities, and the community of friends are more compelling than ever. On the flip side, they have to learn to deal with “unfair” teachers and advocate for themselves. They have to face peer pressures with drugs, alcohol, sex, driving, and other forms of “thrill”.
Rich & Shelly – Please Lord, get me off this emotional rollercoaster! One minute we are beyond proud, and the next moment we have to experience that our precious boys have to deal with real world issues. We want to step in and protect them, but know that they need to handle it themselves by drawing upon the parenting lessons we have placed within their hearts! It’s a real and true test for all of us.
Insight & Lesson: It is far better for your son or daughter to experience the joys and challenges of life within a loving home environment while they are in High School, than to have to deal with these issues when they are on their own later in life. During this season, you have to be the coach. And they actually have to play the game of life. Our best advice? As the song says,” Hold on loosely, but don’t let go!” Enjoy your young adult and keep building your relationship with them. Most of all, trust in all the hard work and pearls of wisdom you’ve instilled since preschool!
As we fondly look back at all the various seasons, there are many things we wish we would have handled differently. ALL parents do! Parents and children aren’t perfect. And some seasons are better and worse than others. But that’s what growing up is all about. Your children are growing, but you, mom and dad, are growing too – mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Be mindful of this growth and rejoice that you get to experience these seasons as a family.
We are so thankful that we got to grow through it with our boys!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich