As a new school year begins, there are seemingly countless things to do to prepare our kids for the year ahead—school supplies to buy, schedules to organize, activities to plan, and routines to reestablish.

But there are also important conversations that need to take place.

One of the most important may be a conversation about friendships.

  • Are you comfortable with your child’s current friends?
  • Is your child choosing friends who are a positive influence—or being influenced in unhealthy ways?
  • What kind of influence is your child having on others?
  • Does your child know how to recognize the qualities of a good friend?

The start of a new school year is a natural time to talk about these questions. Kids are reconnecting with old friends, meeting new classmates, joining teams and activities, and developing relationships that can have a significant influence on who they become.

Teach Your Child What Makes a Good Friend

The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom that leads to a fruitful and meaningful life. It is also an incredibly practical parenting guide when it comes to friendships.

We believed it was our job not only to teach our boys how to be a good friend, but also how to recognize and discern what makes someone a good friend.

Two verses we shared with our boys from the time they were in kindergarten through their college years—and especially during their teen years—were:

“The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.” – Proverbs 12:26

“Whoever spends time with wise people will become wise. But whoever makes friends with fools will suffer.” – Proverbs 13:20

Simply reading these verses isn’t enough. Having conversations about what they mean—and what they look like in everyday life—can give our children a perspective they may not have considered.

What does a friend who gives “good advice” look like?

What does it mean to “become wise” by spending time with wise people?

What happens when a friend encourages us to do something we know isn’t right?

These are the kinds of conversations that help children develop wisdom and discernment, rather than simply relying on parents to tell them who they can and cannot be friends with.

Insulate, Don’t Isolate

Our goal as parents shouldn’t be to isolate our children from people who might influence them negatively. Instead, we want to insulate them by giving them the values, wisdom, and confidence they need to navigate relationships well.

Our children were going to meet all kinds of kids—from a wide variety of families and backgrounds—at school, through sports and activities, youth groups, camps, and throughout the neighborhood.

When our boys made new friends, we invited them into our home to play or hang out. We got to know their parents. We drove carpools, coached teams, volunteered at school, and participated in activities alongside our kids.

These weren’t ways of controlling their friendships. They were opportunities to know the people who were influencing our children and to observe relationships from the sidelines.

And sometimes, we encountered friendships that weren’t a positive influence.

There were occasions when other kids encouraged our boys to lie to us, sneak around, use inappropriate language, or make choices that went against the values we were trying to instill in them.

Rather than simply saying, “You can’t be friends with that person,” we tried to use those moments as opportunities to teach and ask questions:

Could this friendship cause you to compromise your character or go against our family values?

Is this someone who is helping you become a better person—or pulling you in the opposite direction?

Could you come alongside this person and be a good friend without compromising who you are?

We also shared stories from our own childhood and teenage years—times when we made good decisions, times when we made poor ones, and what we learned along the way.

Those conversations helped our boys develop the ability to become more discerning about their relationships. We wanted them to understand that they could choose friends who would build them up rather than bring them down, while also learning how to be the kind of friend who does the same for others.

Sometimes Boundaries Are Necessary

Of course, there were times—particularly when they were younger—when we needed to put boundaries around certain friendships.

Children don’t always have the maturity or experience to recognize the consequences of their choices. As parents, there are times when we need to step in and provide protection until they are ready to make better decisions for themselves.

We stayed focused on our Family Identity—the character, values, attitudes, and behaviors we wanted to define our family.

There were a couple of difficult friendship lessons learned during the elementary school years that required some parental intervention. Looking back, those lessons paid significant dividends during the teen years.

Our goal wasn’t simply to keep our boys away from bad influences. It was to help them develop the character and wisdom to recognize those influences for themselves.

Friendship Is a Life Skill

Learning to choose friends wisely is an important part of growing in moral and relational maturity.

The Proverbs remind us that our relationships matter because the people we spend time with influence who we become.

A good friend gives wise advice.
A good friend encourages what is right.
A good friend is kind, respectful, trustworthy, hard-working, and considerate.
A good friend brings out the best in us—and we should strive to do the same for them.

Our kids are surrounded by competing ideas, values, philosophies, and influences every day. That’s why teaching them how to recognize relationships that elevate the good is so important.

As parents, we can’t choose our children’s friends forever, but we can teach them how to choose wisely.

And that may be one of the most valuable relationship skills we can give them.  A skill that will bless them not only during their school years, but throughout their entire lives.

Blessings to your family,

Shelly & Rich

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