How many times have you said that during the course of your parenting?
What about these parenting classics:
- Don’t make me stop this car!
- How many times do I have to tell you?!?!
- This is the last time I’m going to tell you!
- If you be good for mommy and daddy, we will give you…
- I mean it this time!
The reality is, we’ve all said these phrases many more times than we would like to admit. Lord knows we have! In hindsight, phrases like these make us cringe and feel silly. We regret that we resorted to being the threatening, repeating and/or bribing parent. So why do we, in the thick of conflict with our little angels, fall back on these “go to” phrases? There are two simple explanations – It’s what our parents said/did and we may not know anything different.
Our parents, their parents and their parents… – Parenting, for the most part, is a tradition that is handed down from generation to generation. We typically remember what we liked and disliked (Hated?!?!) in how our parents raised us. We then incorporate that into our own parenting style. The funny thing is our own parents did the exact same thing when they raised us. And our grandparents did the same thing when raising our parents. Funny or creepy?!?
Parenting is instinctual but not intuitive – Instinctively we know that we need to care, nurture and instruct our offspring. But intuitively we don’t know HOW to do that effectively. All we have to rely on is our parental tradition mentioned above and the various sound bites of so-called wisdom we have picked up here and there. We all desire to have the perfect and harmonious family that has no conflict, no attitude, and gets along great. And while that vision might be a bit overstated, the desire for harmony through effectiveness is not.
So how do we parent effectively without solely relying on our parenting traditions and instincts? The answer is to learn how to parent. Invest in parenting classes, rely on resources to sustain you and build a community of like-minded families. These three areas can greatly change the trajectory of your parenting and help you to build the family and life you desire. It sure did for us!
Invest in Parenting Classes – There are many parenting classes out there, but it requires you and your spouse to invest your time and effort to learn how to parent effectively. With hectic and busy lives, TIME is always the biggest obstacle. Work is crazy, housework doesn’t do itself, and you’re struggling just to keep your heads above water. We know! We’ve been there. But the payoff to this investment is huge. As we mentioned in our very first letters, Something had to change and in Overcompensating, not only did we become more effective in our parenting, but our marriage, surprisingly, got even better and stronger! Even now, with a boy in High School and one in College, we still look forward to investing our time and effort into Parenting Classes.
For those of you in the Denver area, we will be leading The Toddlerhood Transition (for children 18 mos. To 3 yrs) and the Middle Years (8 to 12 yrs) classes this fall followed by Parenting from the Tree of Life (3 to 13yrs+) beginning in January. Please click here or check out our event page for more information. For those of you in other states or countries, we strongly recommend you checkout Growing Families International for more information about where to find classes in your area.
Rely on resources to sustain you – Parenting is a process and we all have ups and downs. One minute we could be on a family vacation enjoying each others company and the next dealing with a level ten temper tantrum. That is why it is so important for you to find encouragement and support to sustain you in your parenting. OneFamily is our response to address those ups and downs during that process. The quick daily quotes and these weekly letters, from us and the Marr’s, are meant to stir and strengthen you in all your marriage and parenting adventures.
GEMS and Ironmen are two additional resources to support you. GEMS (Godly encouragement for Moms) is a monthly gathering for moms to get recharged and help with specific family related issues. Lis and Shelly are Contact Moms for Christian Family Heritage; the organization trains and supports Moms to support other moms. Please click here to get more information about GEMS in the Denver area or click here for Gems groups across the country. While GEMS is focused on Wives and Mothers, Ironmen is for Husbands and Dads. With Ironmen, we encourage men to be intentional with their lives and meet with other guys to discuss meaningful life topics (Iron Sharpens Iron – Proverbs 27:17). Dave’s weekly letters are designed to be a catalyst for Ironmen group discussions as well as individual thought. Rich, Dave and their friend Brad have been meeting every Saturday morning for over 14 years. As a result, they have become better husbands, fathers, and friends!
Build a community of like-minded families – We can’t begin to express the impact that being a part of a like-minded community of families means to us. Just check out Shelly’s Facebook page from this week and see the kind of love, encouragement and support we received as we dropped Trevor off at college. You need to know, however, that this kind of community doesn’t just magically happen. Lis and Dave, in their How Building a Community Builds a Family letter, describe how their like-minded community began over 2 decades ago as a small group that materialized from MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). After seeing the richness of their community and desiring that for ourselves, we were welcomed into their community! In the many years since, we have come along side one another through all kinds of life events. Not only were parenting problems resolved and family successes shared, but we have experienced divorce, health issues, the passing of parents, and the incomprehensible anguish at the passing of a precious teen daughter. You cannot go through life alone. Seek and/or build a community. Don’t just let life happen to you, but reach out and intentionally share it with others who are going through exactly the same things you are.
There are countless ways to find or build a community. Connect with your neighbors, put together a party with the families from your kids teams/class, or join a small group at church. At our church, we have a Married and Family Life Section, that we lead, designed specifically to create community on Saturday nights. Likewise, Dave and Lis, are involved with a Married Life Section on Sundays. The point is to get connected and build a community if you are not already in one.
Invest in parenting classes, seek out and rely on trusted resources to sustain you, and build a community of like-minded families. It will strengthen your marriage, help you create the family you desire, and enrich your lives beyond measure.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich