Have you ever been asked a question about the very thing you just communicated and you can tell your message is not getting through? We’ve all been there and it can be frustrating. Active listening may be a “blind spot” for those we are speaking with and for us as the listener as well. If you’re honest, when was the last time you intentionally listened in order to comprehend meaning, to show love and honor to the person/people you’re with?
The definition of active mindful listening is “the act of alert and intentional hearing, interpretation, and demonstration of an interest in what a person has to say through verbal signal, nonverbal gestures, and body language.” Interestingly, but not surprising, this is a skill taught to medical practitioners, teachers and police officers, counselors, ministers, rabbis and priests. It’s also a skill that, as parents and spouses, we could all do better to practice and develop.
There is so much noise and distraction in our lives, we can easily lose the ability to mindfully listen and have meaningful connection through conversation. Listening is reduced to the point of waiting until we can interrupt with our own story, thoughts or feelings. In an article on Active Listening, the author pointed out the four most common mistakes we make when we listen:
- Daydreaming or thinking of something else (even something as simple as your list of groceries) while another person is speaking.
- Thinking of what to say next.
- Judging what the other person is saying.
- Listening with a specific goal/outcome in mind.
Active listening is a creative force like “speaking life.” It has powerful neurological and psychological implications which improve the quality of life. Listening is loving with acceptance, understanding and without judgment, drawing others out, giving them a safe environment for expression and growth. We tell our kids they need to be better listeners, but have we forgotten to show them how? Are we really hearing them, our spouse or anyone else for that matter?
Committing to develop your listening skills will improve those around you by contributing to their well-being and to your own personal satisfaction as well. Often we just need to gain better understanding of these implications in order to motivate us to be more intentional in our listening skills.
- Listening is a creative force for growth and learning
Current Neuroscience shows the person who is speaking becomes more self-aware as their brain lights up when you are actively and sensitively listening to them. It’s a mechanism for growth and awareness. People who are active, sensitive listeners are rare and attractive, we are drawn to them. This is where being a “Wow Parent” can make a big difference for your kids and lead them to more self-discovery as we mentioned in our Becoming the Wow Parentletter.
- Listening is a creative force for connection and sensitivity toward others
When you listen actively/empathetically, you create feelings of safety, well-being, value and a sense of happiness for the other person and even for yourself. Also, when our children, experience empathy in meaningful conversation, they tangibly learn what it is, what it feels like, and they develop the capacity to express empathy to others. This is one of the best relational skills that also builds emotional intelligence and character in our kids.
- Listening is a creative force for love and acceptance
Actively listening communicates love, affirmation, caring, kindness and acceptance. It has been said that listening is the first duty of love. The people around us may be trying to get our attention but we miss the opportunity because we are too busy, distracted and not “disruptable.” People (even our kids) usually don’t want us to fix anything, but just listen. This intentional listening creates a trusting relationship that can prompt those closest to us to invite us into their private world.You can learn more about the significance of the Private World Moments in our letter.
In this self-focused and entitled world, listening can be magnetic and transformative. It is a Super Power that we can all use as a force for the betterment of those closest to us and for society. Even James, the brother of Jesus, understood the power of listening when he said “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak…” Practice developing this skill and make listening your Super Power!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly & Rich
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Join us in person!
Toddlerhood Transitions Parenting Class – For parents of toddlers (18mos to 4 yrs), this class provides practical and relevant concepts that parents can apply right away! Four Wednesdays starting April 13th @ 6:45pm with FREE CHILDCARE! Bring the kiddos in pajamas! Hosted at Cherry Hills Community Church, Highlands Ranch.
https://toddler-chcc-2022.eventbrite.com