In the course of your parenting, have you ever felt like you and your spouse were on opposite ends of the spectrum? Overcompensating for one another?

That certainly was us when our boys were 3 and 5 years old. Rich was more on the stricter side of the parenting spectrum and Shelly was more on the permissive side. For example, Rich believed that once you instructed your children to do something, they should immediately understand and obey every time… no matter what! Shelly on the other hand, considered every circumstance and gave too much leeway thinking that they would eventually understand and obey. As a result, consciously and subconsciously, we kept undermining our parenting efforts by overcompensating for one another. The more strict Rich became the more lenient Shelly became. It was a relentless cycle that lead to many disagreements and caused tension in our marriage and our home.

Fortunately we discovered two solutions that quickly changed the way we parented and put us on the path to a much happier marriage and home life. CouchTime and Time of Non-Conflict, were the two concepts that we learned from our Growing Kids God’s Way parenting class that made such a huge impact.

CouchTime is a simple idea that you and your spouse will spend 10-15 minutes each day (on the couch) briefly discussing, with the children near by, events of the day, parenting issues, plans for the weekend or what ever might be pressing at the moment. For Rich, this was monumental because he knew he wouldn’t get bombarded with an hour-long discussion. The benefit for Shelly was knowing that she would have Rich’s undivided attention for a set period of time. When our boys were young and we first began CouchTime, we talked about the various situations where we were at odds in our parenting, taking into account each other’s views and feelings.

Finding a Time of Non-Conflict was the catalyst that made our CouchTime much more effective and successful. For example, if you are at a restaurant and the kids are throwing food, running rampant and embarrassing you (a typical Howard family scene in those days), that is not a time of non-conflict. It is impossible to parent effectively, let alone have a helpful discussion with your spouse, when you are in conflict mode. So, for us, sitting down in the family room after dinner for a few minutes to have CouchTime, was our Time of Non-Conflict. The boys were fed and momentarily content while we had a few moments of peace to enjoy each other’s company and discuss how to handle and instruct our boys on restaurant behavior, for example.

15 years later we still practice these two principles that have helped us so much! Here are a few tips to help you get started:

  • Find a Time of Non-conflict in your daily routine that works consistently for the both of you. Before dinner, after dinner, before the kids go to bed, before breakfast, etc… Or if you travel, have CouchTime via Skype or Facetime.
  • Start out slow, but build momentum. Perhaps commit to having CouchTime twice a week, building up to five times a week. Focus on being consistent.
  • Find a comfortable CouchTime place. It doesn’t literally have to be your Couch, it could be at the kitchen table, the patio or wherever. The key is to find a place that is conducive to a meaningful time spent talking with each other.

Blessings to your family,
Rich and Shelly