This is a unique time of life with stay at home orders and we’ve focused on many issues surrounding parenting. But we cannot overlook the health of our marriages while focusing on our children. These are challenging times for couples for so many reasons and fear can wreak havoc on the health of our marriages. We are thankful to our wonderful friends Michael and Melinda Parisi, who lead a local marriage ministry – Re|Engage, for providing some valuable insight and advice to consider during this unprecedented time.
Here is Melinda’s story about overcoming fear and what resurrected her marriage.
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There are numerous aspects of this life that we can allow to overtake us in the moment. So much so, we can sometimes even be seized by an almost paralyzing fear that can cause us to think and act irrationally and even destructively. How can we overcome it? You may have heard a popular saying widely used, “Let your faith be bigger than your fears.” I did not grow up in Christian circles, so this phrase only landed on my radar a few years ago.
Today, I would like to vulnerably share with you a story about how my husband and I had to put this saying into practice. If we had not wholeheartedly “let our faith be bigger than our fears,” I can assure you of two things: 1) we would not still be married today, and 2) I never would have been equipped to share an encouraging message with you about marriage and overcoming the hardest times life can throw at us.
Michael and I have been married for 17 ½ years, which means that we have undoubtedly faced troubles, and, only by the grace of God, have we endured and overcome them. To be brutally honest though, we did not overcome trials in the first 12 years of our marriage because we mostly by ignored them, sweeping them under the proverbial rug as if they didn’t even exist.
Our life and marriage was characterized by idolizing the things of this world, prioritizing kids above each other, and escaping the stress of marriage and parenting through alcohol, work, exercise, and worldly media. With all the wrong influences feeding my heart, my frustrations and dissatisfaction with marriage and parenting caused me to seek happiness outside our marriage. My behaviors and decisions were reactions to a lie that I was stuck in a dead marriage and to an overwhelming fear that I would be miserable for the rest of my life if I stayed in the marriage. Believing the lies, and cowering to fear, I catapulted our family into a disastrous season that involved a 15-month separation.
Miraculously, Michael and I met Christ in the middle of our mess, and we were able to overcome that deep, dark valley with His strength and His guidance. We praise God for His faithfulness as described in 2 Timothy 2:13 where Paul says, “if we are faithless, He (God) remains faithful.” True to His nature, God never stopped chasing us down, and He redeemed and restored our marriage and our family to heights we never could have imagined for ourselves.
We want to encourage all married couples to recognize that God designed marriages to thrive, not just survive! By focusing on these four key pillars, you can protect and anchor your marriage so that you can withstand even the most devastating storms of life (which you may even find yourself in today with normal rhythms out of sync). We have learned over the years, and now have the privilege of teaching others about these pillars, which are called the “Four C’s (Characteristics) of Couples Who Do/Get Well”:
- Christ – When each spouse centers his/her heart on Christ, there is a renewed spiritual vitality that propels the marriage from average to excellent. A key verse that inspires this pillar is John 15:4-5, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”In Practice:This looks like having a consistent daily rhythm for being in God’s Word and praying. We need God’s help to love our spouse the way that God intends within marriage and to overlook minor offenses that may be committed against us by our spouse. (Research shows that marriages have a 90% satisfaction rate when couples connect with their faith)
- Circle – This can be thought of as “drawing the circle around yourself and fixing everything inside the circle.” Each spouse sees themselves as their biggest marital problem.In Practice: This looks like owning your thoughts, words, actions, and reactions regardless of what your spouse chooses to do, think, or say. Ask yourself, “God, how are you trying to grow me through this situation? Work on the one inside the circle. Biblically, this is associated with taking the log out of your own eye. Matthew 7:3-5
- Commitment – God created marriage as a covenant, however, society’s view of marriage is that of a contract in which each spouse does their part, and once someone isn’t living up to their part of the agreement, the deal is off. Commitment is an internal decision; reminding yourself of the covenant you have made when times are hard and others are telling you to quit.In Practice: This looks like “closing and locking doors of escape from your marriage.” Doors of escape can be staying busy with work, kids, friends, or activities that keep you from dealing with the issues in your marriage. Other doors can be divorce or separation or just simply giving up and living as un-divorced roommates. Tell your spouse that you won’t leave, you won’t become apathetic or preoccupied, and you will work out your challenges no matter what.
- Community – Proverbs 18:1 says, “He who separates himself seeks his own desire, he quarrels against all sound wisdom.” It is important for married couples to be in community with other couples and to be fully known by them. We need to be encouraged to pursue God’s best for the marriage; not what is best for the individuals.In Practice: Being honest with others about strengths, weaknesses, victories, and trials will inspire them to open up as well. If you have married friends that appear to have a perfect marriage, think again. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage. If you are lacking community for your marriage, please consider reaching out to Rich and Shelly, OneFamily, for some ideas about getting plugged in somehow.
I would like to emphasize that the goal of marriage is not happiness; rather it is ONENESS. Genesis 2:24 says it perfectly, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” As we are living in a time when everything that we’ve known as “normal” is changing moment by moment, we need to anchor our hearts and “let your faith be bigger than your fears.” Protect the Oneness in your marriage and encourage your spouse more than you ever complain about them, so your marriage can remain strong in the storms.
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Our mission with OneFamily is to equip, encourage and sustain couples in their marriage and parenting journey. Please visit us at OneFamily to find online resources for your marriage and parenting.
Blessings and health to your marriage,
Shelly and Rich