For nearly 32 years, we would say that most of our married life has been characterized by happiness, blessings and growing together. Yet, like all couples, there have been a few bumps in the road. The issues and challenges weren’t anything we couldn’t fix, but they did require emotional resiliency and attention on both our parts. Without this resiliency and attention, we would have ended up on the wrong side of the divorce statistics.
One of our favorite analogies about marriage that we love is that your relationship is like your car. You must do routine and preventative maintenance to keep it running smoothly. If you put these things off, you can end up broken down on the side of the road with a very expensive repair. Or in some cases, beyond repair. Don’t let that be your marriage! Do the maintenance and avoid the mindset that tells us, “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it… or I can deal with that later!”
All marriages go through trying and tricky situations from time to time… even if you do consistent routine maintenance! So what are some practical things we can do? Here are three areas that have helped us to stay resilient and focused on the positive things to keep our marriage relationship strong and healthy:
Do Your Part – Manage yourself and the things you are responsible for such as your thoughts, attitude, habits, physical and emotional health. Don’t play the “blame game.” Rather, focus on being the person you would want to be married to, who is showing up, contributing positively to the relationship.
Consider: What can YOU do differently in the relationship to remove negative thoughts and attitudes?
Decide Don’t Slide – When faced with conflict or challenges in your marriage, you can choose to do nothing and hope to slide into the best outcome or you can decide to act and improve your odds for a positive result. Deciding means intentionally thinking through your options and discussing a course of action that leads to the desired results for your relationship. When you let things slide, you give up control of the outcome and wish for the best.
Consider: Are there issues in your relationship that you’ve been letting slide? Are you avoiding conflict or working toward a healthy resolution?
Make it Safe to Connect – Healthy relationships are safe relationships. Feeling safe in a relationship allows people to grow together and thrive. Both spouses need the freedom to feel safe and be vulnerable with one another. Physical and emotional safety may seem obvious, but a commitment in those areas is critical too. A commitment to safety gives partners confidence that they are building a future together and mutually investing in the relationship.
Consider: What can you do better to be a safe person to confide in, dream with and be vulnerable with? Are you listening and seeking understanding or are you thinking of a rebuttal in defense?
This past fall, we were privileged to learn from Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley from the University of Denver and The Center for Marriage and Family Studies. They are the leading researchers and authors of over 120 scholarly publications on marriage and relationship education. Their years of research has proved that a healthy marriage is one of the keys to a thriving family and a satisfying life. As certified instructors in their PREP 8.0 relationship intelligence curriculum, we look forward to sharing the latest research with you in future Tuesday letters!
Blessings to your marriage and family,
Shelly and Rich Howard
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In addition to PREP, we are also certified Marriage Coaches/Mentors and SYMBIS (Save Your Marriage Before It Starts) Facilitators through Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott. While the SYMBIS assessment was originally designed for engaged couples, we like to use it as a Marriage Check Up. This online assessment analyzes your individual temperaments and core beliefs and then presents a combined view of your current relationship dynamics with strength and growth areas.
Please feel free to contact us if you would like more information on our PREP Course or wish to take the SYMBIS (marriage assessment) test. Both of these resources are a part of our ongoing efforts with OneFamily to equip, encourage and sustain you in your marriage and parenting journey!
shelly@onefamilyhwl.org
rich@onefamilyhwl.org