There is a significant link between the moral education of children and engaging whole brain learning that leads to greater emotional Intelligence and self-regulation. Raising morally responsive children can be a complex and challenging job, but it will not happen without intentionality on the part of mom and dad. To be intentional means you make the moral education of your children a priority by setting goals, establishing standards and a proactive plan.
Most of us tend to do the bulk of our parenting when there is a behavioral problem happening. In that moment, we try to fix it and we think we’re done with it only to see the same problem come up again and again. A common trap many parents fall into is focusing on restraining their children’s wrong behavior by bringing correction only to that moment without providing the moral reason why behind the correction during a time of non-conflict (TONIC). Children learn these behavioral lessons best when both the parent and the child are calm and not in a heated moment of conflict. Here’s why from a neurological perspective: When we or our children are stressed, angry, fearful, anxious, or upset, the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze part of the brain) is triggered then the stress hormone cortisol is released. No amount harsh words, raised voices or pleading will deliver the more permanent behavioral solution you desire. Rather, we need to engage the prefrontal cortex of our brains (executive function/reasoning) in order for our instructions to be best communicated and understood effectively.
Three ways to engage the prefrontal cortex
- Be an intentional and proactive parent: Make time to set goals, standards and healthy boundaries for your family. Mom and Dad need to be on the same page with these objectives and then have a strategy for how they will teach them with each child. Keep a balance between building a loving, trusting relationship with our child and the moral training you are working on. Be sure that your core family values are in place to support the moral education of your children while building a loving and trusting relationship.
- Know your own triggers: Don’t try to teach and discipline your children when you are feeling impatient, frustrated, stressed, and upset. Definitely address misbehavior when it happens but be sure to instruct with the “Why and How” of proper behavior when both you and your child are calm and controlled. It takes approximately 20 minutes for the stress hormone cortisol to dissipate when we are upset, angry and stressed. Teaching your child the expected and the appropriate behavior can also be done prior to those situations where misbehavior may occur – grocery shopping, having a playdate, going to a restaurant, etc.. This can minimize the possible correcting you would have to address later.
- Have a strategy to teach your children moral lessons, virtues and relational skills: Speaking words of life that promote and elevate virtues like self-control, kindness, helpfulness and respect are important when teaching the “Why and How” of proper behavior. For example:
You need to show kindness to your sister.
You need to demonstrate respect for other’s property.
Show us how you could be courteous in that situation.
How can you demonstrate self-control when we are waiting for…Learning and doing what is right requires thought and practice in order to become forged in the brain as habit. We strategically used dinner time, dates with our kids, and rides in the car on the way home from practices, school or church as teaching time with our boys. Some parents have also incorporated our OneFamily Daily Quotes or Family Conversation Cards as a part of their strategy as well. Additionally, beginning next week and over the next few months, we will be sharing virtues that will assist you in your character training with your children. Heart training (character) should always accompany self-control training by elevating the virtue!
Parents who understand the neuroscience behind moral education will be more effective in teaching and relating to their children. They will have kids that are receptive learners who feel loved, calm and secure while filling their hearts with character-building morals and social-emotional skills.
“Raising morally-sensitive children, whose conduct brings life to the moment, is not a matter of chance, but of intentional parenting.” -Gary Ezzo
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich