One of the greatest joys in parenting is when your child invites you into their private world.
What is the private world? Generally speaking, it is the place within each of us where we hold our deepest thoughts, treasured memories, and most vulnerable feelings. It is the essence of who we are. Our private world is the space we usually share only with a spouse or our most trusted and closest friends.
Interestingly, research in developmental psychology suggests that this “private world” begins forming very early in life. As young as 2–4 years old, children begin to develop self-awareness and recognize that they are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. By 5–7 years old, children start to understand that thoughts can be private—that what is in their mind is not automatically known by others. By 8–11 years old, their inner life becomes more complex as they begin to compare themselves with peers and form deeper self-concepts. During early adolescence (12–14), children begin exploring identity more intentionally, asking questions like “Who am I?” and “Where do I belong?” By the mid-to-late teen years (15–18), their inner world becomes even richer as they wrestle with values, beliefs, relationships, and purpose.
As our children grow and develop this inner life, their private world takes shape. Early on, it is a place they naturally want to share with those they trust most—mom and dad. As they grow older, that circle of trust may expand to include siblings and close friends.
The challenging thing about the private world is that it is by invitation only. As much as we might wish for an all-access pass into the private worlds of our spouses, children, or friends, it doesn’t work that way. Because the private world is deeply personal and vulnerable, access must be earned. Communication researchers describe this process as gradual self-disclosure, where deeper layers of thoughts and feelings are only shared with people who demonstrate trustworthiness and care over time.
Invitations into the private world often come in small ways.
Think back to when you first started dating your spouse and the meaningful conversations you shared as you slowly revealed more of your private worlds to each other. Or remember when your son or daughter first asked something like, “Do you think I’m smart?” or “Do you think I’m pretty?” Those simple questions are often deeper searches for reassurance about identity and belonging. They are small windows into their private world.
Research on family relationships shows that children are far more likely to keep parents inside their private world—especially during the teenage years—when parents respond to these moments with calmness, curiosity, and emotional safety. In other words, how we respond to small invitations often determines whether those invitations continue later in life.
If you feel like you may be missing some private world moments with those you love, consider asking yourself a few questions:
- Are my words typically encouraging and loving, or am I often quick-tempered or critical?
• Am I speaking their love language—and how often?
• Am I “them-oriented,” or have I become overly busy and self-focused?
• Am I actively looking for private world moments?
It may seem obvious, but would any of us willingly open our private world to someone who is harsh, self-centered, or emotionally unavailable?
Because a person’s private world is so valuable, we must handle those moments with great care. How we respond often determines whether we will be trusted with that privilege again.
Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when someone begins sharing their private world with you:
- Watch your tongue and tone.
Nothing closes off a private world faster than a quick negative reaction. Sometimes the invitation comes with surprising or difficult information. In those moments, open your heart and pay attention to the expression on their face as you respond. - Listen for what is really being said.
Often there is another layer beneath the words. Careful listening—without interruption—can help you discern if something deeper needs to be shared. - Resist the urge to “fix.”
When someone shares their private world, our instinct is often to jump in with advice or solutions. But most of the time, what they need most is simply to be heard. If they want guidance, they will ask for it. - Be disruptable.
Private world moments rarely arrive on a schedule. Being “disruptable” means being willing to pause what you’re doing and give someone your full attention. You never know when the next opportunity will come again. - Reciprocate with appropriate vulnerability.
Sharing parts of your own story—memories from childhood, lessons you’ve learned, or even your fears—can deepen trust and strengthen the relationship. Vulnerability invites vulnerability.
We first learned about the concept of the “private world” more than fifteen years ago in a parenting class. Over time, we realized that this principle extends far beyond parenting—it applies to all of our most meaningful relationships.
So be on the lookout for those private world moments. When they come, handle them with care, gratitude, and attentiveness. These invitations are opportunities to deepen the relationships that matter most—with your spouse, your children, your siblings, and your closest friends.
Blessings to you, your family, and the private world moments you share,
Shelly and Rich
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