The Howards are big football fans, so last week we happened to be paying attention when the Denver Broncos hired a new head coach, Vic Fangio.  At his press conference, Coach Fangio coined a phase summing up his philosophy, expectations and vision for the Broncos.  He said the we will not be a team that suffers “Death by Inches.”  As a mom, it really got me (Shelly) thinking.  The coach was talking about areas we consistently make “little concessions.”  For example, if players walk into a meeting a minute late, in that moment it may not be a big deal.  But it does make a big difference in a team culture and when it repeatedly happens and then others follow that example!  That’s how it happens, by inches.

The “Death by inches” idea really reminded me of something I learned in parenting  – How I do the small things, is how I do the big things.  The little things translate to the big things in parenting, whether I’m letting a small misbehavior slide, I’m cutting corners, I overlook a poor attitude because I just needed the kids to get something done, or sloppy work.  Conversely, there are little things you can do to set your children up to succeed as they grow and mature.

As we discussed in our Permissive/Authoritarian Parenting Styles, I was the permissive parent that unknowingly promoted “Death by Inches” rather than “Success by Inches” with Team Howard.  Once I realized how my parenting style was hurting our boys, my marriage and myself, I became more intentional about correcting the little things I let slide and being more consistent with my resolve.  I was no longer characterized by making exceptions or excuses to the instructions I was giving.  The boys knew that I meant what I said and our entire family dynamic changed!

As a recovered permissive parent, I know how challenging it can be.  Here are some sample thoughts and attitudes that may seem harmless in the moment, but can add up over time and lead to serious problems for your family:

  • A Permissive Parent does not bring about correction because the parent hates seeing the child be upset or fears they might lose love from the child.
  • A Permissive Parent avoids conflict to keep the peace, allowing the child to “call the shots.”
  • A Permissive Parent doesn’t require the child to follow through on a task (chores and homework, etc..) and does it for them because “it’s not worth the aggravation.”
  • A Permissive Parent overcompensates with extra nurturing, extra help, flattery and covering for the child when the other parent, a teacher or a coach corrects them.

Having a mindset of “Success by Inches” can help the permissive parent keep their resolve when it might be easier to say “yes” instead of “no”; to look for conflict resolution vs conflict avoidance; to know that the little things we do consistently will add up to success for our family!

“Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day; while failure is simply a few errors in judgement, repeated every day.” –Jim Rohn

Success & Blessings to your family,
Shelly & Rich