Having a healthy and thriving family begins with a health marriage. We believe that the marriage relationship should be the first priority within the family structure… even before our kids!
In today’s society, there is constant pressure to put our children first above EVERYTHING else in the family environment. This misguided prioritization can ultimately lead to child-centered parenting and even divorce. Don’t get us wrong. Our children are a top priority. And just because we prioritize our marriage before our children, that doesn’t mean they suffer or are loved less. Rather, they actually benefit from our healthy and thriving marriage! In many ways, prioritizing our marriage first is like hearing the safety announcement on the airplane telling you to put on your oxygen mask first, before coming to the aid of your children.
Sadly we have witnessed firsthand the negative effects of child-centered parenting and placing children on top of the family structure. An article from Psychology Today sums up the dangers of child-centered parenting:
“Child-centered parenting runs the risk of producing entitled, narcissistic children who lack the capacity to persevere and cope with difficulty. This is because there is a fine line between being “loving” and being “indulgent”. Research shows that there is a rather large paradox in child-centered parenting. Parents who emphasize loving care over high expectations tend to have more conflict in their homes than not.”
Likewise, another study points out that “Becoming Lost in the Roles” is the number three cause of divorce:
“Just as many couples “forget” their single friends and single ways when they get married, when you add children into the mix, most parents soon neglect or completely forget that they are a couple. As children grow and need less attention, many husbands and wives find that they have grown apart and they can’t remember why they ever got married in the first place, because they no longer have anything in common.”
In the course of our parenting journey, we have experienced times when we have lost focus on our marriage and taken it for granted. It can be very easy to get lost in the day-to-day responsibilities and lose sight of our marriage relationship. We all need to remember what we love about our spouse and why we got married in the first place! Here are some practical ideas that help us to refocus and make our marriage a number one priority.
Love languages – Do you know your spouse’s love language or emotional touchpoint? Are you intentionally loving your spouse effectively each day? Has it changed? We have a test on our resource page that you can download to help you identify how you feel loved. We’ve discovered that our love language has changed slightly over the years and it’s very compelling to discuss, with one another, why those changes may or may not have occurred.
CouchTime – Effective communication is key to all successful relationships. Having a brief and dedicated time devoted to non-conflict communication can quickly serve as a catalyst to other meaningful conversations. If you’re not familiar with CouchTime or need a refresher, our CouchTime 2.0 post will provide you with the why, when, where, and how of CouchTime.
CoupleTime – Similar to CouchTime, this is a dedicated time devoted to doing anything you enjoy, as a couple, at home. This could be watching a favorite TV Show, downloading a movie, listening to music, reading together, or working out. The key is to do something you enjoyed doing as a couple before you had kids.
Intimacy – This is one of the first things that goes out the window when you have kids. Mom has “little ones” hanging on her all day and Dad has been overwhelmed with work responsibilities; so now you are both exhausted. It’s usually at this point when you revert to the “He/She knows I love him/her” default mode and not put forth the intentional effort towards your relational intimacy. Does that sound familiar?
Intimacy is what fuels the deeper connection in your relationship. Holding hands, an extended embrace, having a quiet conversation or being creative with a love language, are just some examples of intimacy that aren’t necessarily related to the bedroom. You need to occasionally ask yourselves: Are you both equally satisfied with the intimacy in your relationship (all areas)? How deep is your connection with one another? Does it need attention?
Date Night / Vacations – Everyone needs a break to recharge and regain a proper perspective. Who better to share that time with than your best friend? A monthly date night and an occasional vacation without the kiddos can be just the thing that might invigorate your relationship and overall outlook! Sure a family vacation is great, but a long weekend away, as a couple, can rejuvenate your soul and soulmate! If you can’t afford a babysitter or don’t have family close to help out, consider asking some like-minded and trusted friends to take turns watching each other’s children.
Marriage Event/Seminar/Retreat – We love to attend marriage events, seminars and retreats. Sometimes you need to hear things that you already know from a different angle. Or maybe you might walk away with a new practical piece of advice. Like maintenance on your car, an occasional marriage tuneup can keep your relationship running smoothly. Visit Events page upcoming classes or personal or couples coaching/mentoring: https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
Make your Marriage the first priority in your family. Let your children see you enjoying yourselves in your relationship as husband and wife. Show them what a healthy marriage looks like and they will feel secure in that relationship. And someday, they will model those same values when they are looking for their very own soulmate.
“One of the greatest gifts parents can give their children is the confidence that Mom and Dad love each other.”
– Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo
Blessings to your Married and Family Life!
Shelly and Rich