Parenting in the Digital Age can be challenging to navigate. In the first two parts of this series, our intention was to give you an overall understanding of the issues that come with technology and help you form a clear perspective to manage it thoughtfully in your home. This week we offer 3 areas, with specific tools and resources, to consider when implementing technology strategies and plans in your home.
Communication is critical and must be ongoing
We all know the importance of communication. It leads to better understanding and healthier relationships with our spouse, children, friends and many other areas in life. However, in order for communication to be fully effective, it must be an ongoing conversation and not a 2 or 3 time event.
With respect to technology, parents need to be on the same page and united in their strategies and plans. This is a continual conversation parents must have as children mature and technology changes. Your child needs to know that the family values and standards for responsibly managing technology are the same with mom as with dad. It will also help you to plan out your various “sensitive” talks.
Each child must fully understand the family values, standards and expectations that mom and dad have jointly established. At the minimum, you should be having weekly or bi-weekly conversations about technology and social issues and topics that come out of the use of technology. Having consistent conversations allows parents “the space” to gradually discuss sensitive topics like sex, drug use, and depression. Asking questions, associated to real or made up situations, was a way for us to see if our boys fully understood not only our family values and standards, but see where their knowledge and maturity level was relative to their age. Here are some basic sample questions to illustrate the start of a conversation you might have at dinner of before bed (A Time of Non-Conflict – TONIC):
Younger child – “If a boy came up to you after school and wanted to show you pictures of naked people on his phone, what would you say and do?”
Older child – “We heard that some kids are struggling at school because of their phones and video games? Why do you think that happens?”
Be sure to reaffirm and encourage their answer if they respond appropriately. Likewise, be sure to respond carefully, guarding your tongue and tone, by providing instruction and clarity if their answer was not complete or lacking understanding or knowledge. Please remember that these conversations are meant to be a dialog that promotes understanding which also leads to a trusting relationship with mom and dad.
Parent hypocrisy & accountability
We can only take our children as far as we are willing to go with our own technology use and screen time. Parents need to be the role models for their children by showing them how to manage technology responsibly. Nothing annoys and frustrates, particularly older children, more than the “Do as I say not as I do” hypocritical parent. Do you take calls, check emails/texts, tweet, check Instagram, etc.. at dinner, but expect your kids to not have their phones at dinner?
We may need to correct our own technology and screen time behaviors for our strategies and plans to be effective. However, the benefit of kicking off new boundaries and rules for your family will far outweigh the short-term discomfort of reigning in some of your habits. Here are some ideas to consider as you evaluate behaviors and habits in your home.
Limits on non-work/school related Screen & Tech Time – Maybe 90 minutes/per day max and only after chores, homework, practice time, etc. Or perhaps no technology after 9:00 with phones turned off and placed on the kitchen table. Remember this goes for mom and dad too!
Game and social media limits – Only 2 games and social media apps on phones, tablets or computer. Everyone “friends” each other while setting privacy boundaries. Only pretested video games allowed (you can rent most video games before buying them).
No screens in bedrooms or in private – Our boys would either do homework at the kitchen table or in our open den area just as we did our own work. They could use their phones and tablets in the family room just like us. Game systems in the family room only especially with Wi-Fi access to Netflix, Hulu, and other internet sites.
Family Technology Boundary List or Contract – We are notorious in the Howard family for putting up lists, charts, etc.. on our refrigerator or in the kitchen dining area. This kept all of us on the same page and mindful of expectations. Pinterest has a lot of screen/technology boundary lists templates you can use to get started with young children. As they get older, you may want to consider a more formal “contract” that you could put together as a family. Getting their input will help significantly with its success. We really like a Psychology Today article with examples on crafting screen/technology contacts and check lists.
Activities and Family Time
Involving your children in activities, whether its sports, scouts, music lessons, or clubs, has two obvious benefits. It provides an alternative to screen time and gets them involved relationally with others. Screen time and the use of technology has become a convenient crutch for kids (and adults too!) to not relate socially with others. Its so easy to check your phone or pretend to be occupied with a device when faced with a socially challenging situation. Social interaction only becomes easier with practice and time. Activities are a great way to help your child develop relational skills in a non-threatening environment. And just like Technology, too much of an unmanaged good thing can become a problem. Please be careful to not overload you children and your family schedule with too many activities and make sure they enjoy it!
In another Tuesday letter we wrote, Family Fun Night, we discussed the importance of having a dedicated family night where we intentionally just enjoy one another. We also offer ideas and suggestions, based upon different ages, for what that night could look like. But family time without technology and devices should be more than once a week. Having dinner together, going on bike rides or hikes are some easy things to build into your evenings and weekends. The goal of family time should be about building relationships and family identity without the distraction of devices.
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There are many resources out there that we’ve acknowledged, but we want to close this discussion by recommending Gary Chapman’s book Growing Up Social and The Tech-Wise Family by Andy Crouch. These books have some great insights that expand on many of the ideas and concepts we’ve explored.
Technology enriches our lives every day and we should embrace it without fear! However, to fully appreciate the benefits and freedoms that come from technology, it must be responsibly managed. Our hope, over the course of these three letters, is that you feel equipped to put together a technology/device strategy and plan for your family.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich