Father’s Day is almost here, so we thought it would be great to re-examine a teaching that focuses on eight specific duties dads can intentionally implement that cultivate and strengthen the bonds of trust with his children. The Father’s Mandate lesson from Growing Kids God’s Way, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, was an important catalyst for our marriage and for our kids. It gave Rich some practical ways to be more purposeful with the boys while, at the same time, encouraged Shelly in her efforts as a wife and mom.

There are many stereotypes that dads seem to fall into – The Protector/Provider, The Disciplinarian, The Fun/Playful Guy, just to name a few.  Typically these stereotypes tend to focus on the quality and quantity of time devoted to father’s efforts with his children and the sharing of parenting responsibilities established with his wife.  However, we learned that it is the relationship of trust that dad has with his children that actually makes the biggest impact.  It’s from this bond of trust that a child can feel secure and comfortable seeking dad’s wisdom about various concerns and worries including serious hot topic questions about sex, alcohol, and drugs.  Additionally, studies continue to demonstrate the importance of dad’s active role for the family and the impact it can make on society as well.

This week, we will look at the first four applications of how Rich, along with Shelly’s help, implemented the Father’s Mandate with Trevor and Alex over the years.

  1. A father must cultivate a sense of Family Identity – We are The Howards! Rich, Shelly, Trevor and Alex make up Team Howard.  Our boys learned and understood what it meant to be a Howard.  Rich would always reference that,  “this is what the Howards do” or “this is what the Howards are all about.” For example he would say things like, “Great game today Bud and way to show how the Howards are gracious winners” or “ wasn’t this a great Howard vacation.”  Always tying in our family name was just one way we cultivated family identity just as the Marrs mentioned in their Family Identity letter.  But there are many different ways that dad can cultivate family identity as we mentioned in our Family Identity, Traditions & Gratitude letter.  A few years ago, Rich got the idea to convert our Howard Family Photo Christmas Card (not just the boys, but all of us) into photo blanket we snuggled with to watch movies.
  2.  A father must regularly demonstrate love to his wife – Allowing our boys to see how we lovingly act toward one another, in particular Rich’s love towards Shelly, creates a level of security in our boys’ minds that says, “I can trust and feel secure knowing that mom and dad love one another.”  Seeing how dad treats the most import woman in the house, provides security that our boys can trust and rely upon in their own relationship with dad.  When Rich came home from work, he would ALWAYS kiss and hug Shelly first before, kissing and hugging the boys.  As they got older, we would take the love languages test as a family (A Howard thing) and post our primary love languages on the refrigerator.  Rich would make a point to demonstrate Shelly’s love language in a tangible way for the boys to see.  Then he would talk with the boys about how to collectively do something special for mom in her love language.
  3. A father must respect his child’s private world – Everyone has a private world.  A private world is a special place where we hold deeper thoughts, treasured memories, and where we feel the most vulnerable.   It is a place that only the most trusted people can be invited into and you never know when that invitation may occur – right before bed, cooking in the kitchen, working in the yard, or even at a sporting event.  Once you receive that invitation and your child begins to share with you a special thought, idea, or observation, our job is to listen… and only listen in that moment.  You can always respond later if necessary.  The key is to hear what they are saying and appreciate what they are opening up to you.  Don’t try to “fix anything” or “offer advice or judgment” in that moment unless you are specifically asked to respond.  If Dad’s first reaction is to hear and appreciate those private world moments, then more private world moments will come.
  4. A father must give his children the freedom to fail – Often times, the thought of disappointing dad, in any way, is more painful that the actual failure itself.  Rich discovered the best medicine for our boy’s failures or disappointments was encouragement.  He would always tell them that, in order to get better, you need to grow from your challenges (he never said failure).  Moreover, the Howards are characterized by striving to reach our potential in everything we do.  That means we are going to face challenges and adversity (failure).  Time and again, Rich would reinforce those ideas by sharing actual stories where he or Shelly had grown or improved from a disappointment or overcame challenging time.

Rich loves being a dad to Trevor and Alex, but it’s not easy.  Learning to apply these concepts and build a relationship of trust with our boys took time.  Some of these things were easier for Rich to apply than others, but he tried to be consistent with them all.  This is where mom can come in and help with suggestions, ideas, and perspective.  Shelly is always great at providing encouragement and thoughtful ideas to help Rich succeed in being the Purposeful Father he strives to be for the Howard Family.

Next week, The Purposeful Father – Part Two with four more practical applications.

Blessings to your family and Happy Father’s Day,

Shelly and Rich