One of the greatest parenting joys is when your child lets you into their private world… especially during the holiday season!

What is the private world?  Generally speaking, it is a special place where we all hold deeper thoughts, treasured memories, and feel the most vulnerable. It is the essence of who we are. The private world is what we share with our spouse and only our most trusted and closest friends.

As our children begin to grow and become self-aware, their private world becomes a reality. Initially, it’s a place they wish to share with those they most trust, like mom and dad. As they get older, hopefully that trust extends to their sibling(s) who should become their best friends.

The tricky thing about the private world is that it is by invitation only. As much as we try to get a free all-access pass into the private worlds of our spouses, children and friends, it is available through invitation only because of the intimate and vulnerable nature of the private world. To get an invitation, you need to demonstrate that you can be trustworthy, genuine, sincere and vulnerable as well. But once you get that invitation and privilege, the blessings and richness of relationship are profound.

Remember, when you first started dating your spouse and the private world moments you shared?  How about when your son or daughter first asked if you thought they were smart, handsome or pretty?  These are both examples of how to recognize the invitation to the private world of those you love most. We need to create an environment to allow others to trust us with their private world and we need to be ready to recognize it.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are missing some private world time with those you love:

  • Are you characterized by speaking encouraging and loving words? Or are you quick tempered and critical?
  • Are you speaking their love language? How often?
  • Are you “them-oriented” or are you self-oriented? Are you too busy?
  • Are you looking for private world moments?

It may be obvious, but would you want to open up your private world to someone who is harsh and self-centered and emotionally unavailable?

Because the private world is very valuable to its owner, we need to be highly attentive to handle those moments with care. Especially if we wish to be trusted and have access to that private world again, to further those deepening relationships.

Maybe because of the extra opportunities for family time, we found that private world moments seemed to be more plentiful during the holiday season.  Here are some suggestions you might think about as those you love begin to share their private world with you:

1) Watch your tongue and tone! Nothing will close off the private world like a quick, negative reaction to an invitation. Sometimes the invitation can come with shocking or surprising news. Open your heart and measure your reaction by the look on their face.

2) Listen to what is really being said. Often times, there is another layer of truth that may need to come out. Only with careful listening will you be able to discern if there is something deeper.

3) Don’t try and “fix” anything… unless specifically asked. Our tendency when those closest to us share their private world is we want to help by fixing it with our brilliant advice and wisdom. Again, just listen.  They will tell you if they want or need your advice.

4) When someone begins to share their private world, be disruptable because you don’t know when the opportunity may come again.  Being disruptable is the idea that you are open to being interrupted or inconvenienced for the sake of relationship.

5) Reciprocate and Share your private world. Telling your child some of your special memories from childhood or having a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse about your fears, for example, will build a foundation of trust and a deepening relationship.

We learned this idea of the private world over fifteen years ago from our parenting class and quickly discovered that it applied to all our deepest relationships as well as our children. So this holiday season, be on the lookout for those private world moments and be ready to deepen those meaningful relationships with your spouse, children, siblings, and closest friends.

Blessings to you and your family this Holiday Season,

Shelly and Rich Howard