Blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah, blah, blah!

This is the sound or noise that children, spouses, and friends hear when we try to communicate during times of conflict.  Meaningful conversations and effective communication never occurs when people are angry, frustrated, exhausted, feeling defensive or mentally preoccupied.  You cannot  teach a child the principles of self-control while they are having a “level 10” meltdown in the grocery store.  Nor can you discuss marital issues (parenting, finances, in-laws, etc.) with your spouse the minute they get home from work or a meeting.  For effective communication to occur, it must be during a time of non-conflict.  Otherwise, it’s just noise.

One of the very best times of non-conflict, for our marital communication, has always been right after dinner.  After a busy or hectic day, it is great for us to unwind and get back into the rhythm of home and family.  This allows us to create the mental and emotional space, we need, between getting home from work and finishing dinner.   Then, after the kitchen was cleaned and the boys were playing or doing homework, we would have CouchTime.   We will discuss everything from parenting issues that need to be resolved, to planning our weekend, to revising our monthly budget.

As we mentioned in our Role Playing letter, teaching and training our boys during times of non-conflict was a proactive way to head off potential times of chaos and conflict.  Prior to going out to dinner, for example, we would take a few moments to role play proper “restaurant behavior” at our own dinner table.  We would role play speaking politely to our servers, reinforce mealtime etiquette  we had been working on, and show how to wait patiently while everyone finished their meal.  This relatively short time of non-conflict, before heading out to dinner, made a huge difference in creating an enjoyable family outing.

One thing you will begin to notice as you put into practice communicating during times of non-conflict, is that it also is very effective in other relationships as well.  Having a critical conversation with a friend or co-worker over coffee is much more effective than waiting until the relationship becomes strained before addressing an issue.

So we want to challenge you and your spouse think about your times of non-conflict throughout the day and week!  See if you can commit, or recommit, to being consistent with this effective communication tool.  Here are some more examples for you to consider as you think about our challenge:

Marriage Relationship

  • Before the kids get up in the morning – We have several friends that find that this is their perfect time to talk about important issues or have extra CouchTime.
  • After lunchtime on the weekends – Perhaps talk about certain “annoying” habits that might be emerging with your spouse (like too much phone or tablet time)!
  • Date Night – Retake the love language test and discuss over dinner, different ways you would like to see those love languages expressed to you.

Parenting

  • In the car – Preemptively ask questions and discuss, “How do we properly behave at the store, at our friend’s home, or doctor’s office?”As your kids get older, transition these questions to “Why do we show respect to others?” and “How will you do it?”.
  • Before bed – Incorporate some talk time during your child’s nighttime routine to have special conversations that encouragingly reinforce examples of good behavior your child had that day.  Or lovingly discuss ways not-so-good behavior can be corrected in the future.
  • After breakfast on Saturday mornings – Role Playing time to teach what self-control looks like (i.e. “quiet hands”), how to properly greet adults, or how to interview for a part-time job for your teenager.

There are two important things we want you to remember about times of non-conflict.  First, it’s a proactive investment and a hedge against potential conflict.  Using a time of non-conflict as an effective means to communicate, sets proper expectations and creates an environment for that relationship to succeed.

Lastly, not ALL times of non-conflict should be reserved for teaching, instructing, and critical conversations.  Have fun with your kids, spouse and friends during times of non-conflict too!  Find the proper balance between relational enjoyment and intentional discussion.  Think of Time Of Non-Conflict as TONIC for all of your relationships!

Blessings to your family,

Shelly and Rich