We are HUGE football fans! In fact, our family has held Denver Broncos season tickets since 1968. Rich was even Buffalo Chip – The mascot at the University of Colorado (second only to Ralphie of course!)
With the college and professional football seasons underway, we’re reminded of a coaching philosophy that applies far beyond the football field:
Are you playing to win—or playing not to lose?
In football, there’s a strategy called the “Prevent Defense.” Coaches often use it late in a game when their team has the lead. The goal is to protect the lead by allowing short-yardage plays that take time off the clock while preventing the big play that could change the outcome.
The problem? Sometimes playing so conservatively backfires. In trying so hard to not lose, a team can lose its aggressiveness, momentum, and opportunity to win.
So what does this have to do with life… Everything!
Every day, we make decisions that reveal something about our mindset. Are we choosing to grow, improve, and pursue what matters—or are we primarily trying to avoid discomfort, conflict, failure, or risk?
Let’s explore a few key areas of life and take a closer look at the internal conversations that may be shaping our decisions. These quiet thoughts often influence whether we take bold action or play it safe. As you reflect, ask yourself: Are you playing to win—or simply trying not to lose? And are your choices leading to lasting satisfaction, or lingering dissatisfaction?
Marriage
Critical Conversations
Finances. Parenting. Politics. Spirituality. And the difficult topics we’d rather avoid.
Playing Not to Lose:
“Keep the peace. It’s not worth the argument, tension, or stress.”
Playing to Win:
“Temporary discomfort can lead to greater understanding, deeper connection, and a healthier resolution.”
Intimacy
Emotional, sexual, and spiritual.
Playing Not to Lose:
“Vulnerability feels risky. I’d rather stay guarded than risk embarrassment, rejection, or disappointment.”
Playing to Win:
“True intimacy requires being known—even with my imperfections. I’m willing to be vulnerable because I want a deeper, more authentic relationship.”
Parenting
Consistency
Following through with the strategies, routines, boundaries, and parenting principles we know are important.
Playing Not to Lose:
“Life is chaotic. I’ll be more consistent when things calm down.”
Playing to Win:
“It’s hard right now, but the time and energy I invest today can positively shape my child’s future.”
Freedom to Fail
Trying new things, doing chores, navigating school, and learning from mistakes.
Playing Not to Lose:
“I’ll just do it for them. It’s quicker, and I don’t want them to feel bad or have their self-esteem damaged if they mess up.”
Playing to Win:
“Failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. I want to teach, guide, and support my child as they learn by doing.”
Vocation / Career / Work
Your Role
Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent, working a job, or pursuing a career.
Playing Not to Lose:
“It’s comfortable, it’s not too demanding, and it pays the bills. Why rock the boat?”
Playing to Win:
“I want to grow, challenge myself, and either improve where I am or pursue something that better aligns with my gifts, goals, and purpose.”
Golden Handcuffs
Lifestyle, financial security, benefits, and the fear of giving up what feels safe.
Playing Not to Lose:
“The salary and benefits may barely be worth the stress, but I can’t risk losing the security this job provides.”
Playing to Win:
“I’m willing to consider short-term sacrifice for the possibility of greater long-term fulfillment and gain.”
Health
Wellbeing
Physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.
Playing Not to Lose:
“I’ll just do the minimum to get by. I’m too busy and overwhelmed right now.”
Playing to Win:
“My wellbeing matters. I’m willing to prioritize healthy choices so I can be stronger, more focused, and more present—for myself and for my family.”
So, where do you see yourself?
Most of us probably aren’t entirely one or the other. We may be playing to win in some areas while playing not to lose in others.
Take a moment to consider:
- Where am I playing to win?
- Where am I simply playing not to lose?
- Are my decisions being driven by purpose—or by fear, fatigue, and conflict avoidance?
- Where am I settling because change feels too uncomfortable?
- What might I gain if I were willing to take a healthy risk?
- Are my current choices producing lasting satisfaction—or quiet dissatisfaction and regret?
With this year quickly passing, fall can be a great time to take a personal inventory.
Maybe there’s an area of your life where you’ve been playing defense for too long.
Maybe it’s time to change your strategy.
Research tells us that awareness can bring clarity, and clarity gives us the opportunity to make different choices. When we’re willing to embrace meaningful change, we move beyond simply protecting what we have and begin pursuing a life marked by purpose, growth, connection, and fulfillment.
You don’t have to play recklessly. You don’t have to take unnecessary risks. But you also don’t want fear of failure, discomfort, or change to keep you from pursuing what matters most.
Be intentional. Be courageous. And play to win!
Blessings to Your Family,
Shelly & Rich
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