Our mindset has everything to do with our happiness and success in every area of life. What we’ve experienced over the last couple of years has certainly amplified that in so many ways.  Dealing with the impact of the Pandemic, Politics and Unrest in the world has definitely affected our mindset. Navigating change, disappointment and uncertainty takes a lot of emotional work. We’ve all been under more stress and feeling more anxious which can manifest in some harmful ways if we let it.  Many parents have shared with us how they have been overwhelmed trying to help their kids manage their emotional wellness. But we can teach our children the skills needed to succeed in becoming resilient and resourceful that will sustain them their whole lives.

 

Resilient children are emotionally healthy children.  They are able to demonstrate self-control over their actions and emotions.  They are generous and happy when something good happens to someone else which makes them more empathetic and aware of other’s feelings.  To some kids these traits seem to come more naturally, possibly due to their temperament, but resilience and emotionally healthy responses are not intuitive for most. The good news is, they can be learned and built up over time.  Kids often take their cues from their parents – what they see and what they are taught cumulatively reinforce either positive or negative responses, limiting or unlocking their potential. In our years of mentoring parents, we’ve seen three positive ways that parents can practically teach and help their kids grow in resiliency and become emotionally stronger.

 

1) Teach kids to have a Growth Mindset- that they will be “able to” even if they “can’t yet”

Often children become easily discouraged and are not open to trying again if they don’t get it right the first time. It’s critical that parents allow children the Freedom to Grow. With their parent’s help kids can learn to see themselves in a process of learning and continual improvement. Parents can help kids who are struggling with academics, with test taking, with learning an instrument, in becoming more skilled in sports, or even having a hard time making friends, by helping them overcome any self-limiting beliefs they might have. Make sure your comments are honest praise and not flattery. Here are a few examples of what parents can say to help their child:

  • Place a high value on effort- “I’m proud of your effort, try it again!”
  • Focus on the process not the outcome- “Great improvement, keep going!”
  • Help them replace their “I can’t” with “I can’t YET, but I will…”
  • Help them see their strengths and name them …Brave, Kind, Caring, Intelligent, Determined, etc… and how you see them demonstrating those strengths.

 

2) Teach kids to be happy for others

It’s human nature to be envious or jealous when seemingly good things are happening to others and not you. Kids can have a very hard time when they lose the board game to a sibling, their friend got the ball and scored the winning goal to win the game, someone else won the award, or when someone else got a really nice gift that is something they would like to have. Big emotions can rush in and they may feel like they have the “NEVERS” – never win, never get to, or never will have. When this happens, parents should help kids by having them congratulate their sibling, teammate or friend and be happy that their friend received such a special gift or success.  With kids actions precede beliefs, so when parents teach them to be happy for others, kids learn ways to manage their feelings, which actually leads to their own happiness and contentment. One of the best ways for kids to internalize such important lessons is when parents share their own stories from when they had similar experiences growing up.

 

3) Teach them to be good at forgiveness

When you’ve had your feelings hurt, been physically hurt, left out, or slighted, it can be difficult to forgive. It can also be difficult to ask for forgiveness because most kids don’t want to admit they’ve done something or someone wrong.  But teaching our kids to forgive and seek the forgiveness of others is such an important step in helping them grow emotionally through empathy, humility, and by owning their mistakes.  It also helps them to forgive others who may have hurt them too.  When kids tangibly grasp the emotional strength, humility, and empathy that it takes to forgive and be forgiven, they build those emotional muscles that help them to move on and grow in their understanding of grace and mercy.  Early in our parenting, we learned to teach our boys to be good at forgiveness by modeling it in our marriage, requiring them to ask forgiveness and offer forgiveness with each other as well as their friends, teachers and others.  Teaching them to say the words “Will you forgive me for…” and “I forgive you for…”, creates a mindset that helps them be emotionally free from the trap of staying stuck in their hurt or guilt.

 

Researchers and educators tell us that while we all would like to see our kids be resilient, we don’t see it demonstrated as often as we want.  That’s usually because our children aren’t being equipped with the relational, emotional skills they need.  Often times parents, with good intentions, intervene too soon or try to help too much, rather than let their kids put in the emotional, relational and mental effort to learn, through self-control, to become mentally tough and emotionally resilient. Thankfully, research also shows us that resiliency and emotional strength can be learned and improved with proactive instruction at home.

 

Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich