With Mother’s Day this past Sunday, Shelly reflects on four areas from her motherhood journey.
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I feel truly blessed and grateful for the journey I’ve been on with Rich in raising our boys, now 24 and 22 years old. We were in our mid-thirties when Trevor and Alex were born and we thought we would be great parents. We quickly discovered all the ways parenting was going to challenge us. As a mom, the experience has been a combination of precious and precarious.
Heading into motherhood, I was an experienced manager and trainer of people and teams in the corporate world. With a college degree and having read some of the parenting books, along with a good marriage, I naively thought I had motherhood figured out. However, by the time the boys reached the toddler years, I felt quite overwhelmed by them, their behavior, and my lack of wisdom and capacity for parenting. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was also not on the same page with Rich and we had different parenting styles. Sometimes I felt like I just wasn’t cut out for being a mom and I ran into a lot of moms who felt the same way!
Now, as I look back on those motherhood challenges, I can see clearly what saved me, what I cherished, what I learned and what I’d have done differently along the way.
What Saved Me was taking a parenting class that equipped me with wise, practical parenting principles and revealed the blind spots Rich and I had in our marriage and parenting. Applying what we learned from Parenting from The Tree of Life was transformational for us. It helped us create a strategy where we supported each other in parenting the boys and what we were teaching them. We became intentional about building and shaping our children’s character, helping the boys learn self-control, how to listen to and obey instructions while avoiding the pitfalls of child-centered and over indulgent parenting. All of it was Life Changing for us and our kids…we soon had different kids because they had different parents.
What I Cherished was the boys’ sweet cuddles, rocking them to sleep, watching them sleep, reading all the stories, comforting them when they were sick or hurt, their laughter and silliness, their wonder and curiosity. I enjoyed their discoveries, playing with trains, trucks and Legos. I treasured their growing and changing minds, the moments when they were obedient, when they were loving and how much smarter they were and are than I was at their age. I loved all vacations, all the great dinner conversations, and when they wanted to help around the house. As they went from elementary school to college, I fondly remember chaperoning field trips, talking about their dreams and plans, cheering them on as I watched every sporting event they played in, their graduations and setting up their dorm rooms when we dropped them off at college. There are just so many things to cherish and every single one of them an incredible gift that still fills me with overwhelming joy and gratitude!
What I Learned was that I still had growing up to do in becoming more emotionally and physically available for the boys and my husband. I was used to keeping my life, our marriage relationship, my career and my things in order. Children have a way of turning all of that upside down, but for the better it turns out. I learned that I would grow up emotionally and spiritually with my husband as we raised up our boys. We both learned to give more of ourselves, lovingly sacrificing more for each other and our kids than we ever thought we could. Being a parent humbled me and helped me grow in understanding, acceptance and grace for myself and my own upbringing. I began to strive for what was significant and eternal over what was fleeting and temporal in my life – relieving me of my selfish tendencies.
What I’d Have Done Differently is savor my life and motherhood more along the way. Even though I don’t have regrets, I do sometimes wish I could go back and soak in the love of my husband and kids in those special moments that now seem so fleeting. This poem by Diane Loomans says it best…
If I had my child to raise over again
I’d build self-esteem first and the house later – I’d finger paint more and point the finger less
I would do less correcting and more connecting – I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes
I would care to know less and know to care more – I’d take more hikes and fly more kites
I’d stop playing serious and seriously play – I would run through the fields and gaze at the moon
I’d do more hugging and less tugging – I’d see the oak tree in the acorn more often
I would be firm less often and affirm much more – I’d model less about the love of power and more about the power of love.
As we head into summer, we are excited to offer several online workshops and classes to help equip, encourage and sustain you in your journey of motherhood and fatherhood.
https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
Blessings to your family,
Shelly & Rich