Emotional control or self-discipline, is the ability to recognize our emotions and choose an appropriate way to express them. Learning to manage our emotional responses is a lifelong skill that can shape our character and influence our relationships.

Anger, frustration, and disappointment are a part of life as a child and as an adult.  There will always be times when these difficult emotions happen, but how we respond and express ourselves is the key to emotional maturity.  When Trevor was a toddler in preschool, he was “a biter.”  Whenever he got angry or overwhelmed, his first response was to bite.  As his parents, we were horrified that we had a “biter” in the family.  At our preschool, you basically got put on the Bad List if you had a biter.  So, our response as young parents was to immediately punish him every time he bit in order to quickly deal with this humiliating situation.  Trevor did not respond appropriately to his anger, and we did not respond properly to our emotions of fear and embarrassment either.  We failed to realize that emotional regulation is a part of brain development, especially in early childhood.

The proper response would have been for us to explain to Trevor that it is okay to get angry and feel overwhelmed sometimes, but it is never okay to express yourself by biting.  And then give him some optional ways to constructively gain self-control and express himself properly – fold your hands, stop and count to 10, use your words, talk to a teacher, etc…  Likewise for us, punishing him without explaining the moral and practical reasons why we don’t bite only treats the outcome (biting) and not the underlying issue – how to appropriately express your emotions.  Our initial fear and loss of perspective caused us to react rather than take advantage of the opportunity to validate his emotions and teach into the moment.

As parents and spouses, how we handle our emotional expressions is something we need to always be mindful of as we learn from our mistakes and grow from them.  When Trevor and Alex got older, there were certain “buttons” that they would either inadvertently or purposefully push that would send us over the edge – eating like a barn animal at dinner, not putting their clothes away, leaving dirty socks on the couch, repeated misbehavior, etc.… We learned that yelling, accusing, blaming, shouting, or giving the silent treatment never resolved any button issues and only frustrated everyone even more.  Fortunately, we had our CouchTime tool!  CouchTime provided us a time of non-conflict to talk and brainstorm with each other about the appropriate and constructive ways to respond when our buttons were pushed.  We then followed up with our boys at dinner (another time of non-conflict) and apologized to them for our inappropriate responses, explained why it happened and what we learned.  Not only did this help us grow emotionally, but it also allowed us to be tangible examples to our boys of how to appropriately handle anger and frustration.  

Seeing how we handled anger, frustration and disappointment may seem more obvious. However, how we handle excitement and anticipation is equally important.  Running incessantly around the staircase and screaming (Trevor and Alex) because family or friends are coming to visit is not acceptable.  Tearing through birthday presents without regard to guests and the gift-giver is not gracious.  Likewise, getting a bonus or windfall at work and immediately blowing it on a spending spree is not wise.  Please understand, we don’t want to be the buzzkill to joy and happiness, but there are appropriate emotional responses to these situations.  Proactively discussing how to handle these circumstances will go a long way in helping your children and you grow emotionally more mature.  So before the guests arrive for the holidays or the birthday party begins, do some pre-activity encouragement and Role-Playing to help your kids already have some practice with handling their excitement.

Managing our emotional responses is a skill that we continually strive to improve upon in our lives.  And it is impossible to be “perfect” 100% of the time.  Your children will mess up, your spouse may raise their voice to you and you might lose composure in a weak moment – even as you continue to diligently work on these things.  Remember, the idea is to become characterized by becoming more emotionally mature by developing and demonstrating the skill of appropriately expressing our emotions.  And in those moments when we are less than perfect, asking for forgiveness from those we offend, offering grace to those who may have upset us, and truly learning from the situation will go a long way to helping our children and us to grow and mature.

Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich

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