We received an email from a weary mom who has been diligently trying to be consistent with setting expectations for behavior. She’s been trying to teach the moral and practical reason why of right behavior and discipline her kids with encouragement and appropriate correction as needed. However, she feels like she’s losing the battle as she holds on to her resolve by a thread. We think this challenge is very common and know many parents can relate. Here is what she wrote:
“So, my 5 and 2 year old boys have cultivated some really bad speaking unkind words (not speaking life) habits. Whenever there’s something they don’t like/want/they get punished (anything negative), it’s “You’re so mean”, “I won’t play with you”, “I don’t like you”, etc. This goes on toward each other, to my husband, to me.
It started with my 5 year old and then our 2 year old picked up on it. It feels like weeds that are out of control. Between us, we have been using chastisement, isolating…saying “No” sternly and reminding firmly to speak life simply isn’t cutting it.
It is driving me crazy! And humbling too. I can’t seem to get a leg up – they are simply winning this game and I may be holding ground but certainly not getting ahead.
Any advice???”
No matter what the behaviors are that you are dealing with, these seasons of parenting can feel like weeds that are out of control when you’re trying to maintain a healthy thriving lawn of family harmony. We remember feeling this way during various parenting seasons with our boys and thinking, “I’m just not a good parent… it’s so hard for me…I’m not cut out for this…I’m weary and getting nowhere!” Thankfully Rich and I had been taking a parenting class together (Again!) and we focused on getting on the same page so we could support each other when dealing with our boys’ challenging behavior (Weeds!). During one of our CouchTimes, we would identify the one or two things each week we wanted to work on with each of our boys. We realized that simply restraining their misbehavior was getting us nowhere. We needed to be teaching the proper behaviors and setting the expectations with them one or two behaviors at time.
With our past experiences in mind, this is what I shared with the weary mom:
“You have to think you are training their habits…so don’t focus on simply restraining the misbehavior, focus on the training. The best thing to remember is ‘Begin as You Mean to Go!’ In other words, be focused on the language you want them to use with each other and you. As parents, you both should sit them down and say, ‘we are the (using your family name) and we use kind, loving words with each other because we want to do what is respectful and kind.’
Make acquiring this new habit, maybe along with another habit that you want to work on, into an opportunity to earn a reward over the next two weeks. Having a visual aid like a jar you fill up with marbles or a sticker chart is helpful. Perhaps they can earn a small treat every day for doing great, like an extra story at night, for example. Then a treat after a week, like their favorite movie and snacks for family night. And, then after two weeks maybe a fun time together at the zoo, or some such thing, that might be truly rewarding for them. Once they are consistent, you no longer use the reward and you tell them they have done a great job and you know this is what they are capable of from now on.
It’s important to know they will not be perfect during the training, especially at first. So, give them some great phrases to replace ‘You’re mean’, have them practice it through role playing, and then work on it with them, just like you would math facts, reading, shapes/colors, etc. Practice leads to knowledge and habits. You could also incorporate your new habits into your prayers with them, asking God to help them using the new words you want them to use and shining His light! Your 5 year old should internalize the training easily and your 2 year old will learn by going along with the fun.
I would back off the punishment you’ve been using for these behaviors right now, since that is not working for you. When they misbehave with their words, I would remove a privilege that seems related, such as playing together, explaining the reason they lost the privilege. It is also very important to be teaching them to ask for forgiveness (not I’m sorry) when they misuse their words…”
For us, shifting our focus to training (pro-active), rather than simply restraining misbehavior (re-active), is how we began to see progress as we dealt with the behavior and attitude weeds that cropped up with our own boys. This shift also helped us remain calm and encouraged us to stay the course, keeping us focused on the goals we had set together.
In parenting with a healthy lawn perspective, sometimes we are in the weeding process. We need to clear the way within our children’s hearts and minds to make space for the right behaviors and moral maturity they need to live a fulfilling and abundant life. Kids learn what is right by doing what is right. This is why, in time, you will see your parenting efforts payoff.
“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.” Galatians 6:9
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich
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