What if you knew the greatest predictor of your children’s success, later in life, came down to one particular skill? A skill that, if well developed, could lead to better social skills, handling stress, and greater academic success? How about a skill that could lower levels of substance abuse, lower levels of obesity, and create more success in every area of life?
Training and reinforcing the skill of Delaying Gratification leads to the development of self-control and self-discipline. It’s the simple, but powerful, idea of learning to delay now for a greater reward later.
The Research
There is over 40 years of Stanford Research that supports this claim via the famous Marshmallow Experiment by Walter Mischel. The research team tested 500 pre-school children, ages 4-5 years old, offering them one marshmallow now, or two marshmallows if they could wait long enough for the researcher to leave and come back into the room (a period of 15 minutes). The researchers followed the kids for over 40 years and found that those who waited to get the second marshmallow were successful in every area that was measured, versus those who didn’t.
Another study at the University of Rochester added the component of reliable vs. unreliable outcomes when the kids waited for the second treat from the researcher. This study concluded that the kids who experienced reliable outcomes in the testing were able to stand up to the pull of instant gratification because they received the second treat as promised. In fact, they were able to wait 4 times longer than the kids who could not count on the researcher to do what they said they would do. Those kids chose to go ahead and take the first treat because they couldn’t count on the researcher to follow through. The results were almost instant and moved the children’s behavior toward one reaction or the other.
Teaching our kids to master self-control and delayed gratification seems more urgent than ever. The forces that lead to instant gratification are strong! Just think about how much convenience, constant entertainment, pleasure seeking, and entitlement there is in today’s society. Left unchecked, the power of instant gratification, can lead to many dysfunctional outcomes for a lifetime.
Our Results
Now that our boys are in their early twenties, they have actually acknowledged and thanked us for the ways we parented and taught them self-control and delaying gratification. They have seen and experienced how it has helped them to self-govern, to focus/concentrate, to think before reacting, and to consider outcomes of their behavior and decisions. They have also witnessed, firsthand, how some of their peers have struggled with instant gratification and lack of self-control with some serious consequences.
Practicing self-control and delaying gratification is an ongoing exercise in the Howard family. That’s because it’s a skill that needs to be developed over time as seasons of life change. It looks different for a fidgety 5 year old than it does for a teenager facing peer pressures or a young adult developing marital relationships and career.
We want to leave you with three areas we have found to be instrumental in training our kids in self-control and delaying gratification:
- Start Now – It’s never too late to develop this important skill. Teaching kids to gain age appropriate, self-control over their impulses and emotions is a process. When they are little, folding their hands, as Lis and Dave mention is their Self-Control letter, is just one way to begin the process. As they get older, having meaningful conversations and allowing them to create a daily/weekly schedule or routine, reinforces the practical aspects of the skill.
- Be a Reliable Parent – A parent who means what they say and follows through with their promises, is a parent who creates an environment of credibility and trust. It’s in this environment that you can tangibly encourage your kids to not give in to various whims by setting appropriate boundaries and correcting children when necessary. This means Mom & Dad have to be accountable and demonstrate their own self-control!
- Acknowledge and Encourage – While some ways of seeing your kids succeed in delayed gratification and self-control may be obvious – like simply waiting patiently – there are many more subtle ways that we need to acknowledge and encourage. Taking extra initiative to clean up for mom before playing or skipping an activity to do some extra studying for a test are just a couple of examples that need to be recognized and reinforced.
Learning a language is a skill that must be taught, practiced and, consistently, used for you to become proficient. The skill of delaying gratification and having self-control is very similar. Unless it is cultivated and developed, the skill will not achieve its full effectiveness toward rewarding outcomes. So we encourage you to connect with your spouse (great CouchTime topic) to evaluate and assess each child’s skill level. It may be something you need to work on with them or it might be something you just need to encourage.
Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6: 8-10
Blessings to Your Family,
Shelly and Rich
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Summer Parenting Workshop Series – The Last One!
Sundays 7:00-8:00pm MT – (6:00pm PT, 8:00pm CT, 9:00pm ET)
Each workshop is 2 sessions per month – 1 hr per session
8/6 & 13 – Conveying Sexual Knowledge to Your Children – Discover how to approach conveying sexual knowledge to your children as soon as 6 years of age and through the tweens. This is a great introduction to our Protecting the Innocence of Childhood class.
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