“Mom, Are you the tooth fairy?” our youngest son asked one night when Lis had taken him out on a date.
Lis didn’t want to lie when Kevin asked such a direct question. Plus, he was figuring it out on his own, so she replied, “Yes, but you can’t tell any of your friends. We don’t want to ruin it for them.”
Kevin looked thoughtful for a long moment, “Why? Do you go to their house too?”
Date nights with your kids are fun. They were definitely a favorite with everyone in our family when our kids were young. Date Night gives you a chance to get past the busyness and find out what’s going on in your children’s little lives. In these classic encounters, you and your child spend one on one time together to nourish the relationship, model proper behavior, and instill important family identity. Here are some thoughts that you might consider on your next date night with your child.
Modeling Behavior. From a young age, around 5, your child picks up on the tone of things. So when Dad takes his daughter out for dinner and opens the car door or the restaurant door, he is modeling gentlemanly behavior. It’s the tone of respect. Similarly, when Mom takes one of the boys out, she instructs them to open her door as well. And when Dad asks for the waiter’s name and then uses it, he instructs “People who wait on us aren’t our servants, they are here to assist us and we need to show them we value them.” This conveys the tone of respect. Another tone of respect that sends a lifelong message, no phones. By the time the kids are old enough to have their own phone, you’ll have years and years of ‘no phone time’ with them. A tone of priority.
Deep conversation. One on one conversations require the skills of listening, thinking, forming thoughts and conveying them with coherent words. This skill takes time to develop, but in today’s hubbub of constant interruptions, Date Night provides opportunity to practice. Over time, you’ll be able to see in these conversations how their minds and emotions are developing.
In addition to the above skill development, this time together is where you actually spend time deep in conversation about what’s important to your child, what’s going on in their life, who they like, how school is going, what is frustrating, what is easy, and learning all the details about their life. This allows you to gauge if they are understanding life and gaining confidence in all areas. Brainstorming with your spouse in advance of Date Night for a list of topics is a good idea. Plus this will be a great forum for you to collect stories for later in life.
Restaurant skills.
· Deciding on what to eat and learning to try new foods.
· Speaking and making eye contact with a waitperson to order food takes confidence and practice.
· Table manners in restaurants would include proper use of silverware, placement of elbows, head and eyes up, not talking too loudly or while chewing, and taking care to understand where all the water glasses are.
· Returning the chair to underneath the table when leaving.
· Thanking the servers and thanking the host (Mom or Dad).
Family Identity. It’s so easy to continuously pour instructions and nuggets of wisdom into your kids, particularly for Dads who may not have the same amount of face time as Moms. This gets tiring for kids as they age. But asking and listening slows that tendency down. One of the big concepts that kids take away from these encounters is Family Identity – not what is promoted verbally, but what is modeled and actually experienced. Family identity at its foundation is relationship; then comes trust. It is here, with your 4 year-old and 6 year-old and 9 year-old, etc., where future teenage angst is resolved smoothly. It’s here, one on one with your child on Date Nights, where you declare your love for the other parent, the family, and oh so much for them. That message can’t be said enough.
The Tooth Fairy sneaks into a child’s bedroom night upon night and steals away a little piece of the child until both the little child and the Tooth Fairy are no more. Date night is the opposite. A young child goes out with Mom or Dad and little pieces are added until the child has grown more capable, more confident, and more mature in every way.
To your family’s well being,
Lis and Dave