After Dave spanked our son for doing nothing other than being a little boy, he came back to bed totally defeated.
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
Lis was pregnant with Michelle and was due in a month. So in anticipation of the new arrival, we moved Daniel to a ‘big boy bed’ well in advance so he didn’t feel kicked out by his sibling. The first night Daniel got out of bed repeatedly. Every time, we put him back in bed with the calm loving voice of reason “Ok, buddy, stay in bed.” The next time, “Ok, Daniel, stay in bed.” Then again, “Listen, you need to stay in bed.” Then after we had gone to bed ourselves and he woke up and came into our room “Daniel, don’t get out of bed!”. Then the threat “Daniel, if you get out of bed one more time, Daddy’s going to spank you.” Since Daniel had never been spanked, what meaning could he have taken away from that threat?
Daniel got out of bed. So Dave spanked him. And they both cried.
Lis grew up in Sweden in the modern world where parents didn’t spank children, so she was never spanked. Not even once. Dave grew up in Southern California where that bit of liberalism hadn’t arrived yet. Dave had been spanked plenty. Not beaten, but spanked, because that was part of drawing the line when you ran out of words. And that night when words ran out, Dave spanked 23 month-old Daniel for no other reason than he didn’t know what else to do.
Here we are more than 25 years later and Daniel has survived – as have Michelle, Kevin and Mom and Dad. But note that that night stands out in memory. That feeling of utter incompetence and the frustration of ignorance. That night, Lis remained silent not having words that would provide guidance in this murky marital and parenting moment.
All people come to parenting with a reservoir of experiences that are mostly unstated. It’s not possible to articulate in advance of how you’d handle a situation until presented with the actual “need to parent”. Of course, the moment often arises when you’re tired, emotional, or have had a tough day. And from where do you pull your response? From…your parents’ playbook. Who knew that when the chips were down you’d channel your mom or dad? That’s what Dave faced that night – he watched his Dad’s hand spank his little boy.
“We raise our children physically and they raise us spiritually” said George Will in his usually insightful prose. Lis and Dave grew up with a different style of parenting and needed to get on the same page. We needed to have a Dave and Lis Marr parenting plan. Fortunately God does exist. We were introduced to Parenting from the Tree of Life (fka: Growing Kids God’s Way) by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. This parenting program not only helped us get on the same page, it created a book of understanding that we had lacked from our upbringing. We had taken Love and Logic which was ok, but it was nothing like the deep and comprehensive approach to parenting and marriage from the Ezzos. After taking the class the first time, we fell in love with it. But soon afterward our kids became more complex animals. We realized that we needed to take the course again. For this reason, we decided to be facilitators. So we did that – for 10 years! We’re slow learners.
After taking a 10 year break, we’re back at it facilitating for Rich and Shelly Howard who are leading the class at Cherry Hills Community Church. This parenting program was the best thing that ever happened to our family and so we are motivated to share. And we are excited to announce, starting March 13th, a longstanding dream will begin – we will be bringing Parenting from the Tree of Life to Spanish speaking families. We, along with the Howards, had the material translated into Spanish and will start our first parenting program in an inner city, Spanish-speaking church.
That seemingly hopeless night 25 years ago was the clearest instance of recognition that we needed something in our lives to help us graduate from our own childhoods, reconcile our differences, and become a parenting team. It wasn’t until we took Parenting from the Tree of Life that we knew what that path looked like. Every reader here is faced with the same dilemma of trying to parent from good, to better, to better still at each stage of life. And so, we recommend that you follow our footsteps – volunteer to lead a group. At church, in your home, or if you speak Spanish we’ve got a great opportunity for you, but get involved so that you can help others, but importantly, so that you can cement the knowledge into your own family.
To your family’s greater well-being,
Lis and Dave Marr