ROMEO
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.   
JULIET
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch,
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.
ROMEO
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
JULIET
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
ROMEO
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;
They pray — grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
JULIET
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.
ROMEO
Then move not, while my prayer’s effect I take.
(They kiss for the first time)

Romeo and Juliet have for four centuries embodied the spirit of true love, the belief that love conquers all, and captured for us in the beautiful passage above, that such a love is even a religious experience. Can’t you see this young pair wrapped up in their own world living a life of sweet simplicity? They died forever in this state of purity. Who can doubt that maybe in this window of love and passion that God doesn’t gives us a glimpse of His pure love.

Last week’s letter talked about commitment. Marriage is a public statement declaring one’s love to God and the world. Marriage, as opposed to just living together, draws a line for a couple to cross into a joint effort to build a life while holding on to love. Love is both a journey and a destination. As we age in life and relationship, awareness dawns upon us and passion gives way to practicality, bit by bit, our understanding of what marriage, commitment, and love means is illuminated by the growing light. Bit by bit, we are more capable of taking on increasing levels of responsibility and balancing self-interest and family interest. Bit by bit, we coordinate the ever increasing elements of a growing family. And bit by bit, the definition of love moves away from the simplicity of Romeo and Juliet and becomes more substantive, more action oriented, and more consistent. Bit by bit, the journey becomes the destination.

We (Lis and Dave) started marriage out at 24. Since Lis was a foreigner and her visa was expiring, we secretly married at the Justice of the Peace on Valentine’s Day 1985 even though we were scheduled to be married in church with all our family and friends present a few months later. Dave left a few weeks later to a new job in Colorado while Lis stayed in California to plan and coordinate the wedding. Love, at least 24-year old love, was simple. When we look back, we can see the dawning of our life. We couldn’t get a dog right away. We could barely keep the apartment straight. We got plants first. And then new plants. Then fish. Then two cats. Eventually we got a dog when we could handle the daily burden. At 24, we came to the marriage with different strengths. Lis was quite a bit more responsible than Dave. She had more emotional ownership in the the home than Dave. Dave was busy with work and getting his MBA, so his plate was full and home responsibility was a lower priority. Importantly, Dave grew up in a well ordered home, but he didn’t have to participate much in that. Chores, sure, but his mom did most of everything. So learning the skill of cleaning up immediately after hadn’t arrived yet for Dave. It took time for him to develop the logic and willpower that continuous straightening is easier than binge straightening.

Key in on that idea: The logic and willpower to go to the next level of maturity. Becoming aware that a problem exists, defining and understanding what the problem is, proposing a solution, developing skills necessary to solve the problem aren’t much use unless the willpower to succeed exists. So after a time as Dave became characterized by not showing the appropriate care for the house, Lis was emotionally frustrated and, at times, discouraged. Because Dave had to be pushed into doing what was necessary to keep things nice. Mow the lawn AND edge, make the outside look nice, always pick up after himself and help with the kids. There was a lot to do! and Dave didn’t seem engaged in getting it done quickly so everyone could rest and play.

Conversely, Dave worked and was tired. Dave “owned” the responsibility for economic success.

At the end of a long day, coming home to a list of chores from Lis was challenging. Dave drew heavily on his Dad’s example of watching TV till he fell asleep. Even reading to the kids in bed, Lis would routinely come into a room where the kids were play-reading with Dave snoring by their side. It wasn’t until Lis clearly stated to him that by taking care of the house and participating with the kids, Dave was declaring his love. Lis derived her sense of self by having an orderly house and Dave, by helping her in this, was filling her love jar. At the time, this was a new thought.

At that point, Dave had to have the willpower to consistently choose family over freedom. Freedom isn’t constraining. Freedom is light. Freedom is often fun and carefree. Conversely, responsibility, by definition, is constraining and heavy(er). Dave had to choose to ‘be where he was’, to be more present and engaged, to develop a more substantive meaning of love than just a feeling of affection expressed as a physical drive. Romeo and Juliet had kids; it was time for Romeo to grow up.

Dave had a role to play in the success of his family. It just took him a little longer to adjust to the increasingly heavy backpack of responsibility than Lis. Of course it did. Babies highlight those distinctions where women are naturally more aware of stuff than guys. Motherhood requires that, so God on average endows women with the awareness gene. Men need help there often, not because men are humps, gumbas, but because their focus is elsewhere. So this isn’t a bash on Dave or men.

Of course there’s more to the story and more to marriage than Dave happily mowing AND EDGING the lawn. Discuss at couch time with your spouse how you’ve grown, bit by bit, in awareness, skills, consistency, shared roles, and willpower. Have these maturities allowed you to be more consistent in loving one another? Bring out the positive and look how far you’ve come.

To your family’s well-being,
Lis and Dave Marr