Let’s pretend that this true story is typical of marriages. We’ll call the wife Lis and the husband Dave just for convenience sake. This marital drama developed over many years long before children arrived. It started out happy, took a turn for the worse where arguments were not uncommon, then righted itself into a ‘happily ever after’ scenario. The story starts as they typically do identifying threads of meaning long before the players come on the scene. But all that backdrop is too taxing on time, so suffice it to say, our young couple were normal kids from upper middle class with married parents born 5,500 miles apart in white suburbia America and white suburbia Sweden. I suppose it’s pointless to identify that she is a female and he a male, but it’s a critical theme throughout our story. Let’s just agree to suspend discussion on the many differences between this marriage and all the others.
“Why”, you ask, “did the marriage take a turn for the worse?” Ah, good question.
Because for many years, each person did what they thought they were supposed to do. Lis subconsciously recreated her upbringing to some degree and Dave to his. The roles they played were kind of defined by the expectations they drudged up from their past. Each consciously picked an item or two that would or would not be a part of the marriage. Like Dave said he wouldn’t yell like his dad did. Or Lis wanted to be a good cook like her grandma was. But for the most part, Lis and Dave drew from that vast reservoir called childhood to frame their expectations.
As time passed and momentum carried them forward, some issues needed work. For Dave, being honored and sex were issues. For Lis, Dave’s engagement and leadership were. You see, unidentified expectations came to be a big deal in this marital drama. Dave didn’t know that every day he’d come home from a long day trying to build a business, dealing with the stresses of herding cats and subduing conflict, trying to make sure there was enough money to pay the work bills and make his wife happy and proud, that he had unidentified expectations. Slightly subconsciously, he wanted to come home to appreciation, verbal and physical (his top two love languages).
Lis had 3 kids under 5 years and she had her own business. That should say it all. Dave would return home to the routine, ask what’s for dinner, ask how he could help, be asked to set the table, be told what needed to happen to get dinner finalized and the show on the road. Of course, Dave’s not stupid and wanted to fit in appropriately, but day after day, roles had become established – Dave worked and Lis ran the house. However, Lis needed a break. She had been talking to little children all day with the occasional interaction with other moms, so adult time, teamwork time, relaxation time, was required to replenish what she had poured out all day. The idea that one more mouth needed filling, one more ego needed soothing, one more body needed satisfying was a tall order. She needed engagement from her partner and a leader who would create a vision that her life would be more than diapers and carpool.
And so the threads of this story come together to weave a pattern we can now discern. As you know, people will go along with a plan for a while, subordinating their expectations in faith that it’ll all come out right in the end. But as time drags on and if it doesn’t look like expectations will be fulfilled, then something’s gotta give. Small irritants pop up, character issues become open game, accusations seem justified, buttons are pushed. Essentially, “Hey, I’m basically happy, but if we don’t resolve some of these things, I’m starting to run out of patience.” We call this compressed expectations. Time compresses expectations into some future point where the pressure builds. Without release, the pressure can get to be too much. Our protagonists, Lis and Dave, were at a tipping point.
“What happened? How did they make it?” Another good question.
Blessings are Godly events that befall people with a positive outcome. The Blessing Lis and Dave received was Parenting From the Tree of Life, by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo. The material was marriage saving. More than anything The 5 Love Languages discussed in the Ezzo material got Dave and Lis to see one another’s perspective. Dave shouldn’t have to be told what the family’s requirements were. Dave was a better man than squabbling for more sex and demanding a forced compliment. Instead, Dave’s leadership should fill Lis’ cup till she had so much to pour, Dave would be inundated by her excess. Lis could see the glass half full now; Dave’s desire for sex was his way of expressing love, not some relational irrelevance determined by biology. Dave needed her as much as the kids did. One of her roles was being a nurturer, which included Dave, not just the kids. Because they could now see that each was loving the other with Acts of Service and Quality Time for Lis and Verbal Praise and Physical Touch for Dave, expectations became more easily fulfilled and so the pressure diminished.
Therefore love became more dense, it evolved. No longer Romeo and Juliet love, but real exchanges of value. Each activity became an expression of love that was acknowledged and reciprocated. Really for the first time, Lis and Dave looked at life’s issues from the same side of the table, as a team, cooperating with one another to create a fantastic family experience. New techniques were learned and discussed in times of non-conflict on how to not push one another’s buttons. Words of Life, another Ezzo concept, became an important component of the family. A vision of Marr family identity emerged bringing family standards to the fore. Happiness reigned for decades to come.
“Well, thanks for telling that story; it was good”. Yes, one close to my heart.
To your family’s Blessing,
Lis and Dave Marr