Spread thy close curtain, love-performing night,
That runaways’ eyes may wink and Romeo
Leap to these arms, untalk’d of and unseen.
Lovers can see to do their amorous rites
By their own beauties; or, if love be blind,
It best agrees with night. Come, civil night,
(Juliet awaits Romeo to come in the night and describes in Elizabethan language metaphors for sex. Act 3, Scene 2: Romeo and Juliet)
Sexual intimacy evolves. Passion highlights the early days of sex where the newness of exploration of body and personality crescendos into a love/lust. This thrilling ride fulfills the longing of many a soul to find a mate worthy of pouring into and in turn be filled by. Finding that mate at an age in life where ‘today’s feelings’ are projected into eternity and are a blissful belief. At it’s best, sex isn’t just a release of biological tension, but a psychological connection, a spiritual awakening to two people coming together, and so much more.
Wouldn’t it be great to just stop there and enjoy the moment of Romeo and Juliet’s simplicity like the blissful calm of the moment after sexual release. But like all sublime moments, they pass, the practicality of life continues, and we save that feeling in hopes of recreating it another time.
Sexual intimacy is the heart of a marriage. It is often a gauge as to how things are going. Life too busy? Sex can range from nice, to accommodation, to ain’t gonna happen. Stress at work? Sex can be a welcome stress releasing sleep-inducer or a non starter. Haven’t spent enough quality time with your spouse? Sex can be a rote act of accommodation or a plea to get back on track. Business travel? Sex can be a “I missed you” to “This is what you’re missing” to “I don’t know you, so not tonight.” There are so many motivations and intentions that are communicated using sex to navigate within relational intimacy.
Generally speaking, women need their life to be in order for sex to be at the higher levels of engagement. Whereas, again in general, men need sex in order to get their life in order. This can lead partners to look across a divide. A woman can bring more of herself if her cup is full, whereas a man is motivated to fill the cup if there is promise of the woman bringing herself more fully to sex. Of course this is a gross generality and other factors come into play, but as it pertains to sex, this exchange of value is likely at the top.
As relationships develop and children come on the scene, different kinds of sex emerge in the relationship. There’s the Baseline Sex where things are good, the sex is good and mutually satisfying for the most part, and the residual feeling is one of relationship. Passion Sex is exploratory and passionate. Not that Baseline isn’t passionate, but Passion Sex recalls the early days and isn’t effective for every encounter. It is, by agreement more scheduled, like vacations, where anticipation heightens the time together. However, Passion Sex is also where expectations can get out of alignment. If one person is expecting a little more passion or exploration than the other person is willing to provide, then at minimum a residual of disappointment can occur. If this happens time after time, then there’s a misalignment of expectations. And maybe it’s not just expectations of what to do within the sex space, it could be a larger issue. Aligning expectations with “marital reality” takes discussion, takes time, needs education, and most of all, requires mutual engagement. If something is amiss, it’s best to talk it out in times of non conflict – don’t bring your issue up before sex, or immediately after, and certainly not during sex.
Passion Sex versus Baseline Sex is a quality distinction. But in marriage there is also a quantity distinction. Do guys want sex every day? Sure, but do they expect it? Women, do they similarly want the same amount as men? Ok, let’s lean into the stereotype and agree that men are biologically more geared towards sex. Men, in fact, think about sex about between 10 and 20 times a day. Women, less so. No shocks that on average men are more inclined to be ready when the opportunity arises. But how often a couple couples is dependent on whether it’s spontaneously captured or scheduled by agreement. Again, here’s where disagreement can occur.
If spontaneous sex is preferred because it reminds you of passionately coming together like in the movies and scheduling it seems too routine, then be prepared for disappointment if he is trying to spark the moment but she isn’t feeling it. If men are like microwaves and women are like crock pots, then scheduling may provide the right conditions for her to get the stars to align. It doesn’t guarantee anything, but it sets up expectations that “we’ll try and have sex every other day or every third day”(or whatever). Having a baseline expectation for Baseline Sex allows both people to align their emotions, their schedules, their words, their help, and gear up for time together. But if it ain’t gonna happen, get that understanding out there early. Last minute announcements are difficult to adjust to.
People need passion. That feeling of youth when life was simple and love was a driving force is psychologically compelling. Making time, romancing one another, recalling the days of newness and exploration should be a periodic reminder of how good the relationship can be. Rote physical sex without intimacy where one or both sides consistently accommodates the marriage is not a good recipe for success. So regularly schedule (yes, spontaneity would be great, but…) a time of passion so ”That all the world will be in love with night”, and Romeo and Juliet will embrace once more.
To your passionate well-being,
Lis and Dave