“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Long before children become teenagers and you are confronted with hormones, peer pressure, girl/boy dynamics; way before you decide to have The Talk; years before a young lady catches the glance of a young man and a young man takes courage to ask a girl to a dance, children learn at home how men treat women and women treat men.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
In our last OneFamily letter, we shared some reflections on how we were unprepared for the girl likes boy/boy likes girl thing. It came so fast at us that in retrospect it seems we underperformed. However, we think we did some things well in that area too that deserved a little air time.
We believe children should have a good long time to be kids, to play, to have modest responsibilities, and to remain innocent of the larger world with all the sexual pressures as long as is reasonable. There were two main areas we discussed and played out in each of our kids’ transitions from childhood into adolescence – education and modeling. We’re happy to say that our kids did not mature sexually before their time; they did not participate in underage drinking; they performed well in school; they had friends; and they have declared to us that their childhood was a very happy one. So to that end, I guess we got the big things right.
Modeling starts day 1. Children will grow up watching how boys and girls behave towards one another. They may see it on TV or see their friend’s parents or neighbor parents interact on occasion, but nothing comes close to the thousands of times they’ll watch, listen, and feel how mom and dad harmonize. Nothing, absolutely nothing is more impactful on your child’s sense of wellness and understanding of how to treat the opposite sex than how dad loves on mom and mom reciprocates. In our house, Dave was old fashioned – he held the door for Lis, particularly the car door. Further, Dave held her chair in restaurants quite often. Because Lis is a lady. She is held in very high regard and Dave’s easy, gentlemanly actions demonstrated that on a daily basis. But holding the door would be empty if it were not accompanied by full participation in the house, helping in the kitchen, speaking words of honor to her, and generally being engaged in the family. This was a very conscious decision to be this way, gentlemanly, insofar as Dave didn’t see this behavior modeled at home growing up.
Conversely Lis treated Dave with respect. She graciously accepted his acts of honor. In turn, she showed Dave honor by acknowledging him and his efforts at work and around the home. She would speak uplifting comments about Dave to the kids. Lis held Dave’s opinion as important and didn’t roll her eyes or belittle Dave or undermine his authority by saying, “Let’s not tell Dad”. Each of us honored the other in an open and genuine way so as to model what our daughter should expect from a boy and how our boys should treat girls. It’s old fashioned, and it works.
Which leads to education – At some point you have to articulate what you’re doing. When the kids are older than 8, it’s time the boys start opening the car door for their mom. Not just as a novelty, but because they are declaring their love and honor for mom as a lady. And importantly, when siblings argue with one another, particularly between the sexes, it is important that their disagreements do not cycle down into meanness. They are practicing how they will handle conflict in the future. Losing control is a learned behavior as is gaining control. Their future spouse will likely benefit from inter-sibling squabble resolutions. As parents we coached the kids on how to speak with one another during conflict without resolving the issue ourselves.
Lastly, one of the more fun things we did was we took turns taking our kids out on regular dates. These were Dates to Remember for sure. Not some play date thing we did when they were young, but a practice session of the niceties and mutual respect of going out. Dad would ask Shelli out for a date. She would dress up. When he arrived at the door, she would be ready. He held the car door and the door to the restaurant. The dinner conversation was always enjoyable and uplifting. Proper eating etiquette was observed and how a woman should be treated was modeled and discussed. He treated her like a lady. Similarly, each of the boys took their mom to dinner. They held her car door (driver’s side), and she coached them to hold her chair at the restaurant. She gave them cash so they could pay the bill and they also had meaningful and uplifting conversations that modeled mutual honor and respect. It was all great fun and, as it turns out, meaningfully memorable.
Throughout marriage there are disagreements and issues that need to be resolved. Your children will follow your example. Teach them to gain control of themselves by modeling what it looks like, educate them with lessons that put words to what they already know, and have fun opening up a world where they’ll be comfortable and prepared on their first Date they’ll Remember.
In our next letter, our daughter Shelli, 25, has asked to write about what it was like growing up in the Marr household.
To your family’s blessings,
Lis and Dave