The last letter from the Marrs was written by our 25 year old daughter Shelli on the effects of a father’s love and encouragement for his daughter as she grew up. That encouragement helped her feel secure in the world where so many young women feel so exposed. In this day and age, it is reasonably commonplace and a delight to read about how women find success. Hidden behind that thought is that boys have all the advantages, that somehow girls must overcome a male language of success. But that’s not true. The language is the same for girls as it is for boys – the language of a father’s engagement and guidance – The Blessing. Our boys, Daniel and Kevin, have needed it just as much. It seems that traditional masculinity is being minimized through subtle and often blatant emasculating messages in media and in society at large.
If society is deemphasizing boys to help girls up the ladder, then what must be done so that boys are not kicked to the curb?
Boys grow up watching their dad. More than words, dad’s actions speak the language kids understand. Boys watch and absorb dad’s mannerisms over time; the way he works, the way he relaxes, the things he’s interested in, the style of engagement. Boys watch and emulate. More than anything, little boys want the approval of their daddy. Even as little boys grow into young men, dad’s insights are gold, maybe even more so.
Here are some ways in how dad can model masculine character and strength:
- We’ve described the trust fall (in Shelli’s letter as well). The trust fall is a memory making exercise for boys as well — demonstrate what the word means and show that dad means what he says, that he will be there.
- Dad is there to play and to share with. Questions are answered straight up, no sugar. He is there at night to share hopes, dreams, and fears.
- Dad is the spiritual leader of the family. Leading in the vision of the family, discussions on spiritual truth, and the direction the family will take.
- Dad directs role playing prior to potentially challenging situations at school, with other kids, in sports, and with siblings. This will continue long into adulthood.
- Dad set the example in how to treat friends, strangers, parents/family, and especially mom.
- Dad leads in health and discipline.
- Dad the Encourager – leave notes in the boys’ lunches for them to find, pull them aside during frustrating sporting events, keep them thinking positively when school becomes too heavy, requiring them to memorize the “Press On”.
- And Dad is the cheerleader of Family Identity “We are the Marr Family”
When our boys turned 13 years of age, Dave took them on a weekend of Blessing. They went away just to be together, ride bikes in the mountains, watch the movie Gladiator, stay up late playing games, and just hanging out without Dad offering advice. During this weekend he presented a Letter of Blessing that described how precious the child was to him and how proud he was of them – their character, their heart, and their maturity. This young boy was becoming a man. The long letter was tear-stained in the writing and more so on delivery. A weekend frozen in memory. Rich Howard also wrote a great letter on his Year of Discovery.
Society is rightly concerned with an open path to the fulfillment of women’s potential. What parents wouldn’t want that for their daughters? But the subtle messaging in which society attempts to lift women has in turn demeaned men and cast off boys. This must be countered with a champion, a hero, someone who will speak encouragement and truth into the impressionable minds of little boys and young men that they are capable and loved. Little boys have heroes. So do young men. It is and always will be that a dad has unique power by his very presence to reach into the heart of a young man and write his Blessing.
Write the Blessing.
Lis and Dave Marr