There isn’t one among us who hasn’t had to forgive someone for something small or large. None of us will escape this earth without doing so again. Of all the spiritual tasks God has assigned to us, forgiveness is of the highest order. No other quality speaks to love and grace with as much reason for it. Forgiveness can release demons, restore relationships, establish a base on which to build, and set a path for personal and relational growth. Without being able to provide forgiveness, people can become stuck in a hurtful past. As parents, we must teach our children to clean their hearts where human infractions accumulate. This will make our children stronger and more compassionate people. To do this, we must lead the way.
There is something about being wronged that feels good. When you’ve been hurt and know with certainty that you are in the right, there is this righteous feeling that takes hold deep in your psyche. Every time you think of that person, you take out this hurt and rub on it, poking at the scab, and going over the pleasurable pain of the wrong. This human tendency to comfort yourself by wrapping that hurt in ego and blame keeps us from moving on and moving up. One’s identity can become tied up in that issue. Forgiveness is that quality that empowers us to not be a victim, realize the humanness in us all, and, despite feeling wronged, emotionally letting the infraction go.
We have been hurt by parents, by our spouse, by siblings, by friends, business partners, employees, and strangers. The closer each of these people are to us personally, the more permission they have to get the knife in deep. Is the answer to protect yourself so that they can’t hurt you? No, of course not. That’s not possible, nor is it desirable. The answer is in vulnerability. An openness that accepts life’s trials and tribulations. Sure, you can’t be naive or go around looking for trouble, but in personal vulnerability there is strength. You can’t be vulnerable if you harbor past hurts that are as yet unforgiven. As adults, we model for our children how they should be. For a time your words and actions don’t have to be aligned, but eventually the way you actually deal with past hurts and forgiveness will win the day. Your children will follow your example.
The process of personal and spiritual maturity is down this path. If forgiveness is one of the greatest of spiritual missions, then in order to mature you must overcome relational hurts and, in doing so, come to a realization about life. Life is difficult. Pain abounds. But pain isn’t without purpose. Pain is a teacher in practical matters like not touching the stove; but more importantly, it’s a teacher in spiritual matters like relationships. God uses circumstances and people to bring you into relationship. And sometimes (oftentimes) He uses pain to bring you to understanding about how life is, how He is, how you are.
Oftentimes relationships bring difficulty where, intentionally or unintentionally, a hurt has occurred. According to James in his epistle, you should “Consider it ALL joy” because it will bring you growth and understanding, move you to maturity, perfect your character, and develop your endurance and ultimately your faith. So instead of giving hurt a home to live in, you are to provide grace and forgiveness. This perspective allows you to be vulnerable and open. It allows you to let go of the negative, provide tolerance to the insensitive, and avoid pain when none was intended.
Before we can teach our children much of anything regarding our family morality, we must write it on our own hearts first. Only then can we expect to lead our children to understanding. Small arguments with our spouse can and should exist in front of the kids, as should seeking clarity, establishing understanding, apologizing for infractions, and finally restoration and forgiveness. The kids should see how conflict resolution and forgiveness works in the adult world. This will make your children feel safer that emotions are ok and don’t lead to destruction. Forgiveness, cleaning the heart of life’s bumps and bruises, makes one stronger and more compassionate. Lead the way.
To your family’s well being,
Lis and Dave Marr