“Friends will come and go, but you’ll have your brother and sister forever. Remember, you guys are best friends.”
We told this to our kids over and over again, submitting this jewel of family culture into their little subconscious minds. At the end of every bickering argument and tug of war, we would coach them on how to resolve the issue and conclude by stating factually that the family bonds were strong and “You are best friends.”
Family is more important now than ever, particularly in time of crisis. The world has changed so much; a person can become isolated very easily. The message of family unity might have been assumed in generations past, but today it’s critical to teach children personal character using their siblings as practice partners. The result develops the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) that is so important in their other future relationships. Importantly, teaching your children to love one another establishes the value of otherness early in life.
Growing up with your best friend means that vacations, holidays, birthdays, sporting events, and the everyday ins and outs of life are increasingly rich with opportunity to grow and have fun. Here are a few thoughts for developing a strong family identity through sibling affection:
- “Your friends will come and go, but you’ll have your brother and sister in your life forever. You ARE best friends” – Can’t be said enough. Just like teaching “Please” and “Thank you”, these instructions go into effect long before they understand the importance of the meaning.
- Teach your kids to celebrate each other’s victories. Teach them to congratulate each other when something good happens in sports or school. At each child’s birthday go around the dinner table and have each child comment on the birthday boy or girl’s notable positive qualities. “Why I love Stephanie is because she is always nice to me.”
- Have the kids share fun experiences. Our kids slept under the Christmas tree every Christmas Eve, looking at the lights, talking through the night, waiting for Santa.
- Traveling together and game night creates memories that kids cherish. Sharing memories can only happen if they make them.
- Look at the child’s heart for their motivations: Do they tattle and take pleasure in the other child’s problem? That schadenfreude (taking pleasure in other’s misfortune) eats at family trust and must be stopped. Sibling rivalry is good in healthy moderation, but only when it brings out positive growth. Telling on a sibling should only occur when danger is present.
- Have the siblings plan surprises. “Hey, it’s your sister’s birthday next week, let’s go buy her a present. But you can’t tell her.” This helps build self-control and trust. Also, “You’re a big girl and you know there’s no Santa or Easter Bunny, but your brother doesn’t. We don’t want to spoil it for him.”
- By practicing otherness, brothers and sisters learn how to gain self-control, conflict resolution and compromise, listening and articulating, and, importantly, reconciliation and emotional resolution. You’re teaching them the skills to become a successful future husband or wife.
- Model exactly what you want them to do. They’ll hear more loudly your actions than your words. Your teenagers won’t give you any slack here. Demonstrate the languages of love with your spouse and with each child. Teach the kids the concepts and how to use them too. “Hey Cindy, Joey liked it when you told him how smart he is. I really appreciated it when you did that. Great job. Bring it in for a hug.”
- Catch your kids being friends and comment on it. By bringing out in the open for them to see what kind of behavior is desired, they can grow to be more intentional about it.
Now that our “kids” are 31, 29, and 26, with 2 of them married, we look back and see that this best friend concept was not hard to do. This little effort paid us back a thousand-fold. Our kids sought out each other’s counsel during difficult high school times. They called each other when away to college to discuss the many intricacies of life. And, now, as they start their own families and begin their lives, they’ll keep the bonds of a close-knit family because – they are best friends.
To your family’s well-being,
Lis and Dave Marr