Let’s say your 12-year-old is asked to go skiing with a friend’s family. It’s expensive, about $75 for the ticket, plus overpriced food. Since the parents of your son’s friend knows it would be a burden, they graciously offer to let your son use a season pass they have that pictures their other son who is not going. What do you do?
Is it a no brainer? Do you take their offer and save the money thereby demonstrating to your child that even though it’s technically stealing, this decision is ok in this instance because the tickets are overpriced and it doesn’t harm anyone? Plus, wouldn’t you potentially embarrass these people by implying they are immoral by comparison to your shiny righteousness? Is it better to just shrug and move forward? Well, this was a real scenario we faced and it highlighted many issues worthy of family discussion.
- What is the right thing to do?
a) These people who invited our son are good people, normal, wonderful people who were opening up their family day to our son, which was terrific. Their offer of the pass was such an everyday experience of “casual integrity”. Rigid integrity is such a heavy burden, why not just accept the offer and move on?
b) Well, technically, it was stealing. It didn’t matter that no one would know. However, WE would know. Our child would know. What would happen if somehow it was discovered and the pass was rejected? Our child would be humiliated. Maybe a low risk, but a practical consideration beyond the principle of honesty.
2. Who are we and what do we stand for?
a) We are the Marrs and we stand for goodness, grace, honesty and integrity, and consistent behavior.
b) It’s not like we would get the microscope out for every scenario to examine it for righteousness. Maybe we should, but we didn’t and we don’t. But some situations do jump out at you. As such, we needed here to uphold our claims of integrity with the kids and figure out a path forward.
c) These people were being gracious and we wanted to honor that too. We didn’t want to make them feel judged in any way for making the offer. So we declined and just gave our son the cash. Fortunately, we had the cash. If we didn’t, then the decision to have our son decline the offer would have been even more painful and awkward.
3.What are the lessons?
a) Say what you mean and mean what you say. When dad says he’ll be home for dinner, make it to the ballgame, stay faithful to the marriage vows, then the family can rely on that. When mom and dad say the family is a family of character, then the price for that is defending that choice with consistency, maybe spend a little extra money occasionally, or deny yourself some preferable choice.
b) Little conveniences like lying and stealing in teeny ways actually erode confidence that mom and dad represent the standard of behavior to follow. Children will follow that model and in their teen years reflect back those lies with conveniences and casual integrity of their own, one that protects their own agenda. That’s what the $75 lift ticket would represent to our child – Mommy and Daddy’s agenda of saving money for things we want is superior to honesty and the ski company’s agenda of making money. We would have just demonstrated “casual integrity.”
c) Both inside and outside the family, we must be consistent in our declarations and actions as to who we are and what values and standards we follow. Yes, these are Biblical values. But regardless, they are practical parenting values. Our children will follow our example. Having Biblical values help us demonstrate that though we are not perfect, at least we’re trying. Your children will get that at some point.
Over the course of your marriage and parenting life, your children absorb your actions at many levels: Your words will penetrate the least, your actions the most because their head requires decades of time to develop, their heart is ready on day one. Your child is predisposed to trust that you will teach them the standards by which they should live.
Proverbs 10:9 “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out.”
Last thought: You are looking forward into your parenting life and we are looking back. The rear view mirror is so much clearer than the front windshield. A good couch time discussion should be about the little things. The topic of concern could be whether your children will come to respect your integrity or accuse you of hypocrisy based on everyday “casual integrity”.
Your child should ski with integrity – yours!
Lis and Dave Marr