“Hey Dad, can we talk for a minute?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“I need to bring something up that’s an issue that is delicate. It’s about Mom and my wife.”
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“Well, I need to start by saying that I love you very much. I enjoy getting together and sharing my life with you. To see you playing with the kids and how much joy it brings you and Mom and them, it truly is filling.”
“Ok. That’s nice to hear. It is filling for us too. So where are you going with this?”
“You see, Sheila doesn’t think Mom likes her.”
“Oh, that’s non…
“Dad, that’s what I’ve said to her, but she asked me to just watch for a while and then evaluate. And I do have to say that Mom is critical of her.”
“That’s not true. Your Mom loves Sheila.”
“Dad, hear me out. I’m sure Mom does love Sheila. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t critical of her. I watched her help in the kitchen last week and then watched her while Sheila was dealing with the kids, and the look on her face, the tone of her voice, and her general demeanor is one that is hard to describe, but I’d say it conveys that Sheila just doesn’t measure up. That’s Sheila’s takeaway and I would agree. You know she is a great mom, and fantastic wife, and does a great deal to make you feel welcome, but it seems like it’s never enough for Mom.”
“Hmm. Ok, I’ll watch for it. I suppose I can see what you’re saying. But I’d say it’s more that she cares so much that she just wants the best for you and the kiddos.”
“Well, that may be. But it’s undermining Sheila’s confidence. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t want you over as much. She absolutely doesn’t want Mom over alone.”
“Bud, can I just say one thing? Your Mom does love Sheila. That’s a fact. I will talk with her about her projection. But Sheila is sensitive; you will have to admit that. Are you working with her on her confidence?”
“Constantly.”
“Well, I can see that she’s a strong woman, she’s got 3 kids under 5, but the last thing she needs is feeling undermined by her parents-in-law. I can assure you that I’ll talk with Mom in such a way as to gain her loving cooperation.”
“Thanks Dad. I figured coming to you would be more effective than going to Mom directly, that you’d know the right approach. But I do want to be clear, and this isn’t a threat or anything, it’s just reality. This must get better or we’ll have to take steps on our end. If it comes down to choosing, you know of course how that will end up. I love you Dad, and I completely love Mom, but Sheila comes first.”
“Understood. And agreed. I love you buddy,
This fictitious vignette could have just as easily been about any in-law relationship, not just moms of course. It is not unheard of that parents-in-law can be disappointed and critical of their child’s spouse not being good enough in one way or another. It is the duty of each spouse to defend, even vigorously defend if necessary, the priority of the marital relationship. Along with children, money, and sex, parents-in-law relations can be one of the more difficult challenges of a marriage. But like all conflicts within a marriage, through perseverance, grace, and steadfast communication this issue can become a rich blessing by strengthening the bonds of all concerned.
To harmonious family relations,
Lis and Dave Marr