Talking AT or Talking WITH
Growing up, Dave’s dad would lecture. Great guy and all, but with a military background Dave’s dad wasn’t used to engagement. He would talk AT Dave. As a result, Dave often was frustrated with just standing there listening. Dave often thought he’d heard it before, so he’d say, “Yeah Dad, I know.” That response would upset his dad as being disrespectful and the heat would go up. Now, 40+ years later, Dave’s dad long since passed, the relational tension is still felt and regretted.
But who’s the originator of that tension and regret? It’s clear that only the adult is able to navigate any miscommunication. The starting point of this Letter is not intended to cast decades old aspersions on Dave’s dad whom he loved then and still loves dearly. No, today’s letter describes an everyday common exchange between parent and child within the complex social verbal development that begins as soon as a child is born.
From the beginning, the parent lays down layer after layer of language relational sediment poured into the depths of their child’s conscious and subconscious mind. At the optimal, a parent looks lovingly into the eyes of a nursing child and coos many words of affirmation, reads bedtime stories with descriptions and expressions designed to stimulate, feeds mealtimes with engagement and happiness that assures a well-structured home, plays peek-a-boo and catch, and with tickles and raspberries engages an infant mind into a life of learning. At the optimal, a parent engages a child so that child enters kindergarten with a 10,000 word vocabulary. That child’s success is assured.
Then there is the normal life, the average life where a child does not regularly get the full engagement of the parent with a constant flow of words that delineate distinctions between red and pink, or high and higher, or good better and best. At dinner with 3 hungry mouths, it’s not easy to ensure child #2 gets the attention necessary to nudge him or her to the next language level – “Sweetie, ask me again, but this time with ‘Please’ and without whining.” Child #3, will he or she remain at the stage of using non-verbal means for gaining attention longer than necessary because it’s the most effective means of communication? And child #1, do they glory in their firstborn status because he or she verbally gets the necessary attention just because they’re out in front of the pack?
Often, just because time is limited and demands are many, a parent will get in the habit of getting THROUGH the day rather than getting FROM the day. One way a parent gets FROM the day is when they assess and assist a child’s ongoing mental development with language by continuously describing the world outside the mind (Things) and inside (Thoughts). Getting FROM the day is talking WITH a child thereby encouraging a response. Talking AT a child is commonly the form used when lecturing or making a demand or if the parent is out of time or patience. It’s easier and faster to talk AT a child rather than make the time to not only ask for them to repeat the information, but also describe it in their own words. This will help the child understand the Why. The Why creates “Contextualization” which is necessary for a child to not just parrot instructions, but to understand them.
For example, during Marr dinners it was a common occurrence to engage verbally with our oldest who enjoyed words and was comfortable there. Our second born was only 2 years behind and was able to catch up to the conversations. But our youngest was 4 ½ years back and quickly learned to tune out dinner conversations. His psyche determined that we weren’t speaking WITH him in mind. We thought it was cute when the older two answered for him. As the family aged, conversations became more complex, dad-lectures became longer, and our youngest tuned out further. From that beginning, his personality and learning style evolved.
It’s important to understand that parenting and God’s Grace continuously combine to provide new opportunities to enhance a child’s potential. For every missed opportunity in years past, there are new moments to engage a child’s spirit and mind in growth if you can harness the power of getting FROM the day. Don’t feel guilty you haven’t been perfect, just move forward with a better plan to stimulate your child’s mind.
Dave’s dad didn’t have the background that would allow for personal reflection on parenting techniques, nor did he have weekly letters encouraging him to do so. But we do. Just being aware that engagement and the continual encouragement of mental/verbal development of your children, will do more to affect their success in life than just about anything is a huge gain over generations past.
Get FROM the day and talk WITH your child.
Lis and Dave Marr