What kind of impact does having a longstanding group of friends have on a growing family?
Enormous. Therefore, you should be intentional and proactive in building a community of like-minded friends.
It is surprising the level of influence that your community of friends can have on your life, your style of living, your parenting, the quality of your marriage and its potential longevity, the behavior of your children, your health, your sex life, your business success, and your daily enjoyment and adventure of living – to name only a few.
We all live somewhere on the spectrum of many friends or few friends. But there’s another factor that’s critically important – moral quality. For example, when you send your young child over to play at a neighbor’s house, what kind of games will the older brother be playing? What kind of language will be used when a parent is not around? Will your child be treated with a parenting eye that you would approve of? What kind of treatment will the younger kids get from older siblings? Is the TV on? Will the time be spent playing games or spent on social media? What kind of activities will be encouraged or monitored? These questions are about another’s family culture and quality. Without being condemning, you will want to make sure your child is safe, well regarded, and supervised in a manner that you agree with.
How about when couples get together? When the women gather separately from the men, does the discussion echo family support or descend into men-bashing? Do the men talk about body parts and marital problems? Is there healthy interaction among the couples or does the gathering devolve consistently into drinking and excess? Hey, look, not every get-together is a Bible study, nor should it be. There should be plenty of room for food, drinks and laughs and the ability to enjoy a wide spectrum of fun within the group. But there also needs to be an awareness that some behaviors don’t build quality into your relationships or your family. You want to surround your family with positive, fun, family-loving, adventure-minded, God-oriented people. People who are interested in creating a great life and who will provide positive peer pressure and support to you and your family and who will be there when you are in need and accept your care when they are in need.
If that’s what you’re looking for – How do you get that? Be proactive!
When we were young, we had no clue that’s what we wanted. We made no distinction between a social group and a community. Once we experienced this difference, our events became more enriched. The countless dinners, camping, Easter gatherings, treasure hunts, game nights, travel, golf, 4th of July, Christmas parties, sports playing and sports watching, all became bricks in the foundation of community on which we built our home. It’s been awesome. This has been our path:
Lis went to MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) where she met most of our soon-to-be group. MOPS and POPS events brought in the dads. But back then, we didn’t have a true community. It wasn’t until we added what is now called Parenting from the Tree of Life that we were really able to understand the value of intentionally building our family of friends. Our social group agreed to take the class together. We, Lis and Dave, were so impressed by this parenting program, we decided to facilitate the class again, then again, and again, until 10 years later we finally decided to take a break. During those 10 years and beyond, our family thrived. All those families that took Tree of Life multiple times thrived because their investment in family was so intentional. And importantly, our community of friends provided lots of opportunity to get affirmation and input. We could easily send our children to spend the night because we knew what the moral environment was there. As a result, the kids excelled and the families bonded together. Our group came together so often that our kids considered all the other kids their own brothers and sisters. One daughter exclaimed in high school that “She was so glad to have family friends that went through the same Tree of Life class so she didn’t feel like a freak.” Life-long friendships were born among the next generation of quality-seeking youngsters. At our friends houses, we always knew our kids would receive the same treatment and be held to the same standards as they would in our home.
There is a difference between a collection of people in a social circle and a community. Here’s the key: Investing in moral like-mindedness is as important as investing in fun. Both are important. In order to build either, you must be proactive in inviting people into your home and life. And so we DID do a lot of the inviting – we were often the instigators of our community-building get-togethers. Someone has to be the catalyst! We can’t emphasize this too much. Be the one who initiates activity. It allows you to select who you want to be friends with. If you’re in a “small group” with people you go to church with, whose kids are the same age and go to the same school, then you’ll likely be friends for a long, long time. Be intentional in your group building efforts. And, importantly, strongly consider a small group parenting program to solidify your social group into a community. To sign up for the next Parenting From the Tree of Life in the Denver area, please register here.
All this is to say that building a community of friends to share your lives takes intention and time. In doing so, you will create a level of well-being that is long lasting and satisfying.
To that greater well-being,
Lis and Dave Marr