With anything that is a skill, there are basics that can be honed into muscle memory that make performance easy and effective. Whether it’s scooping up ground balls, shooting free throws, knocking in a 4-foot putt, or developing a pre-swing routine, it is these fundamentals you must practice over and over, not because fundamentals are simple (because they are not), but because the rest of the game is founded on the principles inherent in them.
Being a Dad is a skill position. A skill is a thing you learn and can get better at, versus a talent that is largely inborn. No one is born to be a Dad. The skills necessary to be a good Dad are straightforward, mostly, but if not worked at can leave a Dad’s performance lacking. And where is that performance measured? As you already know, it’s measured in the long-term well-being of the family – The Game.
Does “practice make perfect” as the old saying goes? No. Practice makes permanent. As Lao Tzu’s famous quote encourages – “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
And this contains the first fundamental principle – engagement. The first fundamental principle is for Dads to be engaged with everyone in the family. Of course, not just conversationally, but in their spirit, mind, character, temperament, mindset, skill development, and life path as well.
You can’t separate these elements as they are all interrelated. But let’s just take the fundamentals of spirit development as an example. How does a Dad’s engagement effect the long-term well-being of a child? And, how can a Dad get better at it? It’s clear from all the studies that a Dad’s early engagement makes a huge difference in cognitive, language, and executive functioning skills.
We’re talking about Dad Fundamentals and how Dad’s skills can affect a child’s spirit. It’s clear from the data that a Dad’s engagement in reading to, playing with, talking with, listening to, and spending time with, will dramatically affect a child’s mental and emotional development, i.e. their spirit. Fundamentals. But how does a Dad get better at that?
And that’s the point we’re attempting to make here. If a Dad works outside the home, fights the good fight all day, maybe he’s a bit tired at the end of the day. Maybe there are 3 kids that are all eager for attention and Dad might need a few minutes to adjust to being home. Maybe Dad has been away on a trip or deployment for a while. And on and on. The fundamentals are easy to do, but they’re also easy not to do. So, rest up and get back in the game. The keys to being engaged is to be present and intentional almost regardless of how the day has gone. The game clock is ticking. When you’re tired, it’s easy to substitute talking at rather than engaging with your child.
We’ve found that it’s better to be a questioner who is trying to tease the next level of development out of a child. And play. Learning and spiritual well-being is more tied to playing varied games that capture the imagination with different modes of learning. Do a treasure hunt with clues throughout the house to find their birthday present. Have them jump on the trampoline and count by 3’s and 7’s every time they land. Get the book “How Things Work” and go through it and pick a project to validate. Kick a soccer ball and count in Spanish or name the states. Ask a dozen dads what they do to be creative in play with their kids and steal their best ideas. You improve your dad skills by staying in the game.
And then there’s reality. There are days when the ball bounces your way, and days when it doesn’t. In life, Dads have a journey of their own – the all too human long, slow journey from youthful ignorance towards disciplined wisdom. Dads must navigate their own life in order to pour out to others (just like Moms). There’s no doubt that any young Dad has to manage his own issues in order to be fully present for his kids. And here’s the fascinating thing – by practicing the fundamentals of being a Dad, by engaging with your children in all manner of growth, you move towards your own well-being. You grow deeper, more mature, more well-rounded as a person. You are able to re-parent yourself and fix some of the blind spots you picked up along the way. The more you practice the fundamentals of being a Dad, the easier and more pleasurable the game gets. We grow our children and they grow us. That’s the Game.
To honing your mad Dad skills!
Lis and Dave Marr
