What does it mean to be a Marr?

This is one of the most important questions we faced as a young family. Being a Marr was not a question we contemplated walking down the aisle. For the two of us growing up in different cultures, Lis in Sweden and Dave in California, it’s interesting that family identity wasn’t one of the topics either of us encountered at the dinner table. But in raising our three children from childhood through adolescence and now into adulthood, family identity ended up being one of the most valuable concepts we encountered. Family identity gave us a culture that encouraged relational bonds, scholastic effort, adolescent right behavior, personal tenacity and integrity, and family joy.

For you reading these Letters where we’ve talked about many perspectives and techniques on raising your children and strengthening your marriages, the concept of family identity rises above them all. Children are born into a family culture of some sort, whether an intentional one or one of happenstance. For the Marr family culture, the first 10+ years of marriage was more or less a reenactment of our own childhood, for good or bad. Our default culture was occasionally a power struggle between mommy and daddy as to who was going to get credit for this little effort or that. Little arguments and morning tension were not an uncommon family dynamic. We had fun too, so don’t let us mischaracterize the early years, but the idea of taking the Marr name and deciding it meant something special wasn’t part of the discussion.

That is until we took Parenting from the Tree of Life. Dano was 7, Shelli, 5, and Kevin was 3 when we took it for the first time. At that time, we’d have rated both our marriage and parenting as a 7. But once we understood that we were Marrs and being a Marr was God-blessed, our marriage and family culture really came together. First off, it meant that mommy and daddy were engaged as a team in building something excellent. Many years later, the kids would ask us separately some question on an issue of morality or something, and over and over our answers would consistently be almost exactly the same. This team concept, that mom and dad were an inseparable unit, paid tremendous dividends over the years. Mom never became accomplice to a child’s question, “Are you going to tell Dad?” Dad never let slip the thought “Let’s just keep this between you and me and not tell Mom”. No, there weren’t any family secrets. Whatever Lis knew, Dave knew, and vice versa. Family identity starts there.

Secondly, we came to understand that “Love is Action”. At the end of a challenging day, either away at work or at home maintaining family momentum, there would always be one more thing that needed to get done before turning out the lights. “Love is Action” almost always provided the rationale for getting up and doing it immediately. Think about it, you’re tired, it would be so much better if Mom just handled this latest bedtime emergency or Dad read over the latest homework effort. “It’s your turn” is a statement that characterizes a PUSH that says, “I’m more tired and therefore more deserving than you right now”. Whereas the “Love is Action” motto is a PULL that says, “I’ll get this one because I love you” and pours into the family team. No need to worry that there will be an imbalance because it will all even out. Bottom line, the kids will experience both mom and dad pulling to be the one to demonstrate what it means to be responsible (able to respond). This models the family dynamic more than anything.

Third, “We are the Marrs and we _____” became the family label for honesty, integrity, effort, forgiveness, charity, action, clean heart, and so much more. “Hey bud, I know you have done a good job, but just one more try and give it your best – because that’s what Marrs do.” “Sweetie, I know what she said was hurtful, but she probably was having a bad day. You need to forgive her and just let it go. We are Marrs and we must think the best of people.” “Hey amigo, you need to gain a little self-control there. You’re a Marr, so no flying off the handle like that.” “Yeah, I know it’s hard, but as a Marr, we just need to do our best. After that, we have nothing to regret.”

Maybe this sounds unreal, like we were trying to create robotic children. We can say that there is surprising pleasure in having people compliment you on your children, so getting them to behave well is certainly nice. But no, God had given us three beautiful children whose potential exceeded our understanding. We just didn’t want to mess up a good thing. We wanted them to behave well as Marr children, certainly, but more than anything we wanted them to reach their potential in adulthood. This family identity concept fit perfectly with a child’s need to belong. They need to be swaddled in identity. Growing up in a family with a strong family identity helped them to connect with the idea that they were part of God’s family too.

To your family’s identity,

Lis and Dave Marr
As Rich and Shelly mentioned in last week’s letter, our goal with OneFamily is to equip and encourage you with tools to help you lead your families well and sustain you for your marriage and parenting journeys.  We have many classes, workshops and events coming up.  These online opportunities allow us to connect with families from all parts of our country and world, to offer you resources and encouragement that will help you be the parent and leader you desire to be for your family.

Toddlerhood Transitions (18mos – 3 yrs of Age) – 5 Session parenting class
Thursdays, 10/15, 8-9:00pm (MT) – After kids go to bed!

Understanding Temperaments: Marriage & Parenting – 1 Hr Workshop
Saturday, 10/10, 3-4:00pm (MT)

How to Raise a Responsible Child Workshop
 With Special Online Guests Gary & Ann Marie Ezzo!
Saturday, 10/24, 3-4:30pm (MT)