The 3rd and 4th Generation
This is the third in a 4 part series about creating new patterns in your family that will bless the 3rd & 4th generation.
3) Can Do or Must Do
4) What’s Missing
“The Lord…who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.” Exodus 34:7
When our kids were young, we went camping with our community of friends. As soon as we got there our youngest boy and his buddy ran off to discover. At the formative age of 6, our little boy Kevin and his friend were climbing trees when Kevin slipped off the branch. The good news was he didn’t hit the ground and break a leg, but unfortunately something potentially much worse. He got hung up on a branch suspended in mid-air by his jacket. The real danger was his jacket was cutting off his air and was choking him. His friend realizing that this problem was beyond his abilities ran to the adults who were chatting, oblivious to the urgency. This young friend had been schooled in Parenting from the Tree of Life’s Interrupt Courtesy. The dilemma faced him square – wait patiently for the adults to acknowledge him or break the “Courtesy” and interrupt for a higher priority?
What is the goal in parenting? Raising obedient children or raising children who use their judgement? Oh, if only the answer were as clean as the question. This Letter series is about a family culture you have inherited through the ages and will pass along to your children unless you stop to reevaluate and design a new path.
Historically, as Dave’s parents so repeatedly declared, “Children are to be seen and not heard.” Their efforts were largely designed to gain outward compliance. Dave’s dad, having grown up in a dysfunctional house and escaping to the military, didn’t spend much time investigating what a child understood. Understanding was secondary to compliance with his will. A salute and off to bed (literally), not to question or whine. This style creates parental satisfaction in the short run with children marching off to bed with nary escape till morning. But in the long run those seeds can germinate into troublesome weeds as Dave’s parents found out with his sister.
- Can Do or Must Do: Like the last two letters, this message is intended to address underlying perspectives you may hold from your childhood. Identifying and aligning your subconscious perspectives is the hardest aspect of parenting. Creating a great family experience is not just about you learning a bunch of parenting techniques. Instead, it’s about you sorting through all the inherited qualities and supplementing new ones into a set of perspectives that will help you form a happy functional family at every stage of life. Planting seeds that will produce positive fruits rather than the aforementioned weeds is why you search for wisdom. Of course, parents intend to plant good seeds, but sometimes unintentionally speak words that nurture rebellion half a dozen years down the road.
Parents providing “rules” for acceptable behavior is normal and appropriate. However, situations in life carry different levels of importance. The rule for Dave growing up was “Once in bed, stay in bed” enforced by his Dad’s loud voice. This rule was to avoid the constant up and out tendencies for water, bathroom, and pretend nightmares. However, this rule, like most all the other rules, was enforced by fear. Rules were to be followed. Some temperaments are comfortable with rules. But other temperaments suffocate under them and, as soon as age allows, will break out of their confinement.
A child needs to be taught to understand that there is a reason why rules are in place so they can develop their own moral context for what’s important. It is much more difficult and takes years to get a child to understand the meaning behind rules. Teaching them context helps them develop their own judgement. And this is important to understand: Your child will develop their own judgement regardless of how you parent. You just want to be their trusted counselor in each stage of life. Therefore, investing in the reason why when your kids are young increases the likelihood they’ll invite you to offer guidance in the future.
Kevin’s young friend knew that Kevin’s safety was more important than strictly obeying the interrupt courtesy. He interrupted and his judgement saved our son’s life.
Let there be blessings to the 3rd and 4th generation by developing judgement by providing the reason why.
Lis and Dave Marr